Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transparent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world. ~ Sara Ban Breathnach

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Gathering my crumbs...Physical Limitations

Amen and amen.

This is true and has been my mantra for
years. But...when it becomes "me"...
I am unbelievably tired after several days of going going going and days of questions and worry. I used to become very irritated with myself when I "crashed", often refusing to acknowledging how tired my body and mind were feeling.  By sheer will power, I would "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and move forward, believing my mind was stronger than anything else.  While, believing the only limitation is my mind did help me accomplish far more than doctors thought possible, it can also keep me form leaning into and depending upon my true source of strength.

Physical Limitations:
I would have to say my last accident and the physical limitations that it has left me with, is a crumb.My physical condition has made me more vulnerable and in the course of working through the limitations I have become wiser.

Instead of seeing my broken body as a negative, a problem... and seeing it as a blessing, a crumb, I am opened to seeing God within these times.  I am opened to admitting I am not in control of my today or my tomorrow.  I can influence these times by the choices I make...but I am not in control.  I am only one little being in this universe that is full of little beings like myself.  I have gained a greater appreciation for how we are all interconnected and how other's decisions impact me, just as mine have an impact on another.  And....within, between, beneath, and above all these little beings is a loving God.

Psalm 42 as paraphrased by Eugene Peterson in The Message Bible has become my "prayer", my "mantra", my reminder of who and whose I am....

1-3 A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek;
   I want to drink God,
      deep draughts of God.
   I'm thirsty for God-alive.
   I wonder, "Will I ever make it— 
      arrive and drink in God's presence?"
   I'm on a diet of tears—
      tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
   All day long
      people knock at my door,
      "Where is this God of yours?" 

 4 These are the things I go over and over, 
      emptying out the pockets of my life.
   I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd, 
      right out in front, 
   Leading them all, 
      eager to arrive and worship,
   Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—
      celebrating, all of us, God's feast! 

 5 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? 
      Why are you crying the blues?
   Fix my eyes on God—
      soon I'll be praising again.
   He puts a smile on my face. He
's my God.

 6-8 When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse 
      everything I know of you, 
   From Jordan depths to Hermon heights, 
      including Mount Mizar. 
   Chaos calls to chaos
      to the tune of whitewater rapids. 
   Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers 
      crash and crush me. 
   Then God promises to love me all day, 
      sing songs all through the night! 
      My life is God's prayer

 9-10 Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God, 
      "Why did you let me down?
   Why am I walking around in tears,
      harassed by enemies?"
   They're out for the kill, these
      tormentors with their obscenities,
   Taunting day after day,
      "Where is this God of yours?" 

 11 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
      Why are you crying the blues?
   Fix my eyes on God—
      soon I'll be praising again.    
He puts a smile on my face.
      He's my God.

As I grow older, I am gaining an intense love of scripture.  But, of all my Bibles, my favorite is The Message. Peterson has a poetic pen that helps me see the images and metaphors within scripture so that I find myself within the cold ink on the page.

What water is to the deer, God is to me.  I simply MUST have God and it must be the LIVING God.  Not a stagnant or still god...a living God.

Chaos calls to chaos...and comes crashing down around me... Life often feels like it is crashing down around me and I cry out for help.  But...the very act of my crying out is a sign there is more than what I "see". Living through the chaos has lead me to discover God's strength rather than depending up on my own.

So, on this day of fatigue, I am sharing my first crumb. And you know what! I had not even thought of this as a crumb until this morning! I have been jotting down others such as oceans/mountains, words, art/images, music...

crumbs/manna....bread from heaven
But, this morning, as I tiredly walked down the stairs the words of Psalm 42 called out to me, and as I read the passage I realized again how my physical limitations changed from being a curse to a blessing AND then I realized they were a crumb that God put along my path just as he placed manna in the desert for the ancient Israelites.

By the power of God's love, I have been and continue to be changed! Praise God!!!

Crumb....Physical Limitations.

God, I have said the car accident was a blessing in disguise, it led me to a place I don't know if I could have journeyed on my own.  I was proud of my ability to always go...go...go.  I was proud my ability to produce things that people admired and recognized as "good".  I depended upon myself, yet, I was hungry for something I could not name.  Today, from a place of woundedness and vulnerability I understand it was You, for which I was hungry...thirsty.  Like the deer...I yearn/ed for You. Thank you for the blessing of my physical limitations.  They have not only slowed me down, they have allowed me to ask for help from others...which is another conversation.  Thank you!  AMEN.

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

1 comment:

  1. May you be blessed in recognizing this crumb today.