My Eyesight - My Perspective

That which seems evil, is it a cloud to bring rain, to bring a greater good to the whole of the world? Who would ever know the greater graces of comfort and perseverance, mercy and forgiveness, patience and courage, if no shadows fell over a life? 

Ann continues to read through her cards containing verses of scripture:

See now that I, I am He, and there is no god besides Me; It is I who put to death and give life. I have wounded and it is I who heals... ~ Deuteronomy 32:39

Ann writes that these words reconfigure the battle field under her feet.

I grip the card and I know all our days are struggle and warfare (Job 14:14) and that the spirit-to-spirit combat I endlessly wage with Satan is this ferocious thrash for joy. He sneers at all the things that seem to have gone hideously mad in this sin-drunk world, and I gasp to say God is good.

Jesus said, "Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, deep that darkness is!" (Matthew 6:22-23)

Today I read with horror the story of a father who attached a tire jack to his 2 y.o. daughter's car seat and then threw her/car seat and all into a river....she was awake.

I've a two y.o. grandson....

I wanted to scream....  but to whom? ..... to what?

Ann believes that if Satan can keep her eyes from the Word, her eyesight is too poor to read the light - to fill with light.

Bad eyes fill with darkness so heavy the soul aches because empty is never truly empty; empty is only a full, deepening darkness. So this is what it has to be. Eve in the Garden, Satan's hiss tickling the ear, 'Did God actually say...?'

You know, I have been raised in the church.  I grew up attending Sunday School, Youth Group, Young Adult classes....until I began teaching classes myself.  Yet, I continue to be amazed, and somewhat alarmed, by how little I know and how much there is still to learn, to study, to reflect upon....

I sometimes wonder if that is one of the weaknesses of the Church today.... this spiritual illiteracy that I feel within myself and notice in many others.

The world around me is dark!  It is much darker than I even realize because I live within its darkness.  I have been lulled into "thinking" I see, that I know the Light....

It is so easy to become a lazy Child of God.

Holding all that has gone wrong in her life and within the life of others, Ann writes:

Not using anything to bend the light of this world so I can read my own messy days? Spray on another layer of graffiti; worthless. 

So, I have been ambushed. 

Without God's Word as a lens, the world warps.

Ann slips her scripture card back into her pocket, thus "slipping on her glasses."

Sigh.....

I'm stepping through the season of Advent.  I'm reading stories I have heard all my life!  I "know" these stories so well, I don't even need the Bible to tell these stories.

Yet, after all my Advent seasons, this Advent I am wondering if I "know" the main character of the story as well as I know his story?

I am grateful for authors like AnnVoskamp, Joyce Rupp, Phil Gulley, Eugene Peterson....and so many others who challenge me to continually check my eyesight.... to continually challenge me to ask hard questions.....

At the same time, I am grateful for my parents and grandparents, for Sunday School teachers and professors, for friends and for those joining me on my journey.  I am grateful because through them and within them I have the hope and the courage to pause and look hard in the mirror....

In other words, it is taking an entire village to raise this Child of God! : )




Many Blessings ~  Sandi

Frail and Glorious - VIII -The gift of God is the Divine Indwelling

 Two frail moments in the life of Jesus richly bless us: the crib and the cross. ~ Macrina Wiederkehr

This past Christmas Eve we focused on The Cradle and The Cross.  As we neared communion a young woman entered from the rear of the sanctuary.  She was robed and barefoot, but what was the immediate focus was how she coddled the "baby" in her arms.  She was oblivious to the congregation and to the dark robed man entering from another side of the sanctuary. The man was caring a large wooden cross who quietly made his way to the front of the sanctuary and placed the cross behind the empty manger.


The Mary character continued to move forward until she came to the manger, where she knelt, kissed her "baby" and placed it in the manger. I gave a short mediation and then the congregation stood to sing, "O Come, All Ye Faithful".  At the end of the carol, the congregation sat down, I walked over to the manger, picked up the "baby" and moved behind the Table.  Once I unwrapped the "baby" I held up the bread, blessed it, and broke it.....

John 14:16-20   ¹⁶ And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— ¹⁷ the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. ¹⁸I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. ¹⁹ Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. ²⁰ On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.



"I will not leave you as orphans" was the focus of my message and communion yesterday.

"Every time I say no to the birthing and dying that is set before me at the table of daily life, I seem to hear the echo of Jesus' words to the woman at the well, 'If you but knew the gift of God...'" (Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels, p 24)

Remember Macrina's anger when she realized the liturgy of a daily office suggested that a baby was the "tabernacle of Satan"?  As this chapter ends, she states her belief that at baptism, I became a tabernacle for the "Source of Life."

"When you come to understand this old, yet often forgotten truth, you will know what is meant by the words 'heaven on earth.' This is it. You are beginning to live heaven on earth in the Divine Indwelling. You, frail earth-creature, having given your frailty over to God, have created a place of splendor within the depths of your being, a holy and eternal space where you meet God face to face. Cherish this truth. It is costly grace." (Ibid)

I have heard "Christ within me" so many times, yet if I pause to REALLY consider what that means.... I can only say, "Wow."

"A splendor within the depths of my being".  It would have to be splendor for God to be there.  He could not inhabit anything less!

It is 'costly grace' because if I live into this reality, I will never be the same. If I live into this reality, I let go of my illusion of control and allow God to lead me.

Still, journaling about this reality, I still all to often Edge God Out (EGO).  I was reminded of this yesterday morning as I prepared a communion kit to take to the surgery patient and her family from this past Friday.  Lifting the lid my first thought was, "Wow! Someone already anticipated my need!" But, then I looked closer...

The bread was MOLDY.  Very moldy.  I lacked the nerve to take the lid from the juice container.

I started to throw it away, but then paused and really looked at that awful bread.... Several thoughts came to mind:
1. What a waste...
2. YUK!!
but I stayed longer than the initial "yuk"...

3. "How sad. Something that was created to be nourishing has become moldy because it lay forgotten on a shelf...in a container used for communion no less!!!"

4. "How often do I become like this moldy bread. A Child of God created to be nourishing and life giving to others. How often have I become like this moldy bread?"

5. "Thank God, I do not get tossed out in the garbage like this bread will be tossed! Thank God, I am given another opportunity to live and be as I was created."

Macrina closes this chapter with another poem:

O frail and glorious creature
whoever you are,
Cherish this truth:
there are hints of glory in your being
seeds of splendor
traces of holiness.


To be divinized is your destiny.
Your original union
yearns for a place in your life.


Walk gently, then, with your frailty

Like a treasure hidden in a field....

Allow it to bless you.
It will not cripple you
unless you run from it.
Embrace it instead.
Carry it as one carries
the cherished secret of a great wealth
hidden away in a holy, eternal space
like a treasure hidden in a field.


That's you!
You fragile, noble being
Little-Great-One.
Yes, there are whispers of greatness 
in the frail envelope of your being.


The dust of the Ash Wednesdays of your life 
is tinged with the glory of your Easters.
Your tomb is a womb of life;
you are hidden with Christ in God.
The dust of your life fades into glory.


O frail and glorious creature
from the crib to the cross
to be divinized is your destiny.
Your original union cries out
to become flesh in your life.
Your frailty and your glory
Your littleness and your greatness
yearn to come home in your heart.


The heavens have heard
whispers of your splendor
and God still weeps at your birth.

Holy Spirit, fill me with your power and your peace so that I might travel fearlessly through the steps/process to become life-giving and nourishing to others.  Life-giving Spirit...help me become the Child of God I was created to be!


Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Week III - Day 5 - Which Cup is Best?

2011 Stars and Cast

We live in a world of competition.  We compete at our work...pastors it is how many adult baptisms, teachers, how do the test scores compare to last year, factories, are we keeping the bottom line down and if not, who needs to be laid off....  Our children compete in sports.  We say it is for "fun" but there are high 5's for every win. We turn on the TV at night...and we are hit with competitions. American Idol, Survivor, NCAA Tournament, Biggest Loser, Baseball, Dancing with the Stars...

Every spring, a Cubbie's heart is filled
 with the hope that this might be the year!

Joyce and other spiritual teachers are honest that our sense of competition does not end with stars on TV or sport figures playing their game.  Rumi is quoted as saying: Inside the Great Mystery that is, we don't rally own anything. What is this competition we feel then, before we go, one at a time, through the same gate?


Rumi was a 13th Century poet and Sufi mystic...and he was asking questions about humankind's drive for competition all those years ago.

Sister Shirley Kolmer was 61
when she died. She worked
in Liberia for 9 years.

Joyce tells of an American woman in Liberia with a noticeable gap between her front teeth. In the states, Joyce said, Shirley would have been encouraged to get her teeth "fixed." However, in Liberia a gap in one's front teeth is a sigh of great beauty.

"...I thought of how easily we are seduced by our cultural expectations into what is or is not acceptable." (Joyce Rupp, The Cup of Life, p 80)

Joyce continues, saying, "...constant comparisons and competitions based on what our culture tells us is good looking, attractive, desirous, etc. People end up rejecting themselves or others because they might not have all the 'correct' standards and qualifications. It is not just external looks that are part of the competition; there is also competition for who is the best in spiritual growth. People envy others for their 'holiness' or their ability to pray instead of valuing the way that God is moving uniquely in their own lives..." (Ibid)


Yesterday I asked my friend how (Steve, Chris, Sally...) manage as solo pastor, work on one or more presbytery teams, volunteer in their community,....  He stopped me and reminded me that my need to constantly compare myself with others...is not helpful!  He was right to stop me.  It is not healthy nor helpful to compare myself with others.

Joyce tells us that we ARE NOT meant to be like everyone else.  It is our culture that instills in us the idea that there is something wrong with us, that we are flawed, that we do not measure up...

recovering the soaring sense of
self-presence and self-worth
that makes life worth living

Louise Hart, in her book, On the Wings of Self Esteem, warns: "Comparison sets us up for unhealthy competition. It drives wedges between people, creates separation,and enforces conformity."


"When we consistently compare ourselves with others, we can end up rejecting our self - one of God's beloved creatures - and we follow someone else's dream instead of our own." (Rupp, p 81)


Ouch...I had never really considered that I am rejecting God's work when I compare and strive to work/behave/look....like someone else.

Breathprayer:
   Breathing in: I am __Your Name__...
   Breathing out: ...thank you, God.

Comparison and Competition

Reflection:
Find another cup and set it alongside of yours.
Sit quietly, looking at the two cups.
Enjoy the uniqueness of each cup.
Reflect on your own originality.
Think of yourself with others.
Bring any comparison and competition to God.
Listen to God's message to you.
Offer gratitude to God for who you are.

A vessel of God's love.

Scripture:  Romans 9:19-26
But who indeed are you, a human being, to argue with God? Will what is molded say to the one who molds it, 'Why have you made me like this?' Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one object for special use and another for ordinary use? (Rom 9:20-21)


Journaling:
I fall into the trap of competition and comparison when...
When I reflect on my own uniqueness, I .....
Dear Creator...

It takes humility in order
to move forward.

I fall into the trap of competition and comparison when my schedule is too full and I am feeling frustrated, tired, and overwhelmed.  I am not happy with the work I am producing, or I am not getting other things done, or...

The list could be endless.  The fact is, I am over-committed and I am only human.  Yesterday, talking with my friend, our conversation drifted to the Twelve Steps that Rami Shapiro uses in his book, Recovery. Shapiro suggests that the reader read the entire book and then go back and begin working the program.  I have not made it through the entire book, thus I have only read about the first three steps.  My friend, has read the entire book and has gone back to work the steps...and is still on the 1st Step. We talked about our specific addiction... He honestly exclaimed, "I want to be God!"

We laughed, yet later I wondered if he simply said what is beneath many of our "traps." I am not satisfied by who or what I am....I want to change what God has created...

Now, I want to remind myself that some of what I do not like....is healthy!  I have been journaling for three weeks about my need to control (or "be God"), my over-committed schedule, my sense of overwhelm... All of those things keep me from being the person God created me to be.  They keep me from being present to God and to myself.  Thus, those areas of dissatisfaction are a healthy place for me to be!

When I begin to compare myself to another pastor, another late 50's woman, another mom...

I AM a beautiful child of God!

Those desired "changes" are "me" trying to be someone or something that God did not create me to be!  AND while I am striving to become some other person, I am not being the uniquely gifted child of God I was created to be.

When I reflect on my own uniqueness, I am often surprised!  I truly am a uniquely gifted Child of God when I allow myself to look at me through God's eyes.  Sadly, I do not do this nearly often enough.  I think today's Breathprayer may be an important prayer for me to remember as I continue to work through my commitments.

Today's meditation brought to mind another story, Life is Like a Cup of Coffee. Originally I thought I would begin today's journal entry with this video.  But then...I decided to end with it and to simply let it speak to me and others without any commentary. Life is Like a Cup of Coffee

Prayer: (once again, Joyce offers a wonderful prayer...)
When I look longingly at the gifts of others and forget or deny my own gifts from you, God, lead me to accept myself as I am. When I constantly  compare myself to another, grant me an appreciation for my own distinct personhood. When I get caught in envy, jealousy, gossip, or rejection of myself of others, draw me back to you and teach me m ore about the love you have for each of us. AMEN.

Today: I will not envy others or compete with them.


May this day be full of wonderful discoveries and special delights as you and I offer ourselves moments of God's grace.

Many Blessings ~ Sandi