Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transparent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world. ~ Sara Ban Breathnach
This morning I'm heading for the hospital to be with a family from my congregation...to be a friend. Before heading out, I wanted to share this video on this sunny Monday morning. I thought it very appropriate as a reflection moment to go along with Macrina's book, A Tree Full of Angels.
Think.....
How and to whom might you be a quiet angel with today?
How and to whom might you share some crumbs of grace?
I saw Pearl in Hello Dolly
on Broadway in 1969. What
a treat for a young girl!
People see God every day, they just don't recognize him. ~Pearl Bailey
Even when I can't see or sense God's presence, I know he is here. I may need to search my own heart to make sure it isn't me who has moved. Other times, I need to sit still and just "know" without seeing that I am not alone. And then, in the quiet I do see God. Pearl was right, he doesn't always appear in my life like I would expect. Sometimes he is in the "thunder", but just as often he is in the "whisper".
Macrina moves me this morning, right into the center of the storm...Into the Eye of God with a poem. A poem that once again opens and challenges my heart to think broader...bigger about my journey toward God. She offers me a prayer that I be given a "small storm"!
Sadly, it often takes a small storm to get my attention, so she's right on...again. Into the Eye of God For your prayer your journey into God, may you be given a small storm a little hurricane named after you, persistent enough to get your attention violent enough to awaken you to new depths strong enough to shake you to the roots majestic enough to remind you of your origin: made of the earth yet steeped in eternity frail human dust yet soaked with infinity. You begin your storm under the Eye of God. A watchful, caring eye gazes in your direction as you wrestle with the life force within. . In the midst of these holy winds In the midst of this divine wrestling your storm journey like all hurricanes leads you into the eye, Into the Eye of God where all is calm and quiet.
A stillness beyond imagining! Into the Eye of God after the storm Into the silent, beautiful darkness Into the Eye of God.
Wow...my first thought is that I don't like this prayer of being sent a storm. My second, as I look at the quote by Jonathan Lockwood Huie is that I'm not sure I agree, but this guy is supposed to be a motivational speaker on happiness and joy!
Life is a series of "storms" and I admit that when I am feeling vulnerable, I do finally end up on my knees. During my journaling on The Cup of Life I wondered if old age was a gift from God so that we had an opportunity to once again become humble and vulnerable...
Yet, my hope and my prayer is that as I continue to journey toward God, I live not only in the eye of the storm, but also through the storm itself.
This enough for me to hold for this morning, but I do want to mention that with this chapter, Macrina tells me that she has come to the "heart of this book [A Tree Full of Angels] and that from this point on she is going to offer me a way of gathering up the crumbs, a way of prayer that for her is pure gold...a way to harvest the Word of God.
This way of prayer is not entirely foreign to me. It is called Lectio Divina or Divine Reading. As I have become more intentional about my faith journey, this form of prayer has crossed my path many times and each time I have paused and moved on. I notice I have three books on my desk today that all focus on Lectio Divina and with each book, I did not know this was the case when I made the purchase.
Hummm.... I wonder if God is suggesting I do more than simply pause?
Most Amazing God, I believe you do guide my hand at times when I am totally unaware of your doing so. God, I ask for your Spirit of wisdom, patience, and understanding as I strive to do more than pause with this spiritual discipline. Help me to be open to seeing and hearing what it is that will help me to know you, which will only help me to know myself. I ask your blessing on my efforts and I pray they will be pleasing to you. AMEN.
Chorus: Lay down your weary tune, lay down
Lay down the song you strum
And rest yourself ’neath the strength of strings
No voice can hope to hum
Struck by the sounds before the sun
I knew the night had gone
The morning breeze like a bugle blew
Against the drums of dawn
Chorus:
crashin' waves like cymbals clashed...
The ocean wild like an organ played
The seaweed’s wove its strands
The crashin’ waves like cymbals clashed
Against the rocks and sands
Chorus:
I stood unwound beneath the skies
And clouds unbound by laws
The cryin’ rain like a trumpet sang
And asked for no applause
Chorus:
The last of leaves fell from the trees
And clung to a new love’s breast
The branches bare like a banjo played
To the winds that listened best
I gazed down in the river’s mirror
And watched its winding strum
The water smooth ran like a hymn
And like a harp did hum
Chorus: Lay down your weary tune, lay down
Lay down the song you strum
And rest yourself ’neath the strength of strings
No voice can hope to hum
What a wonderful tune to draw close a summer evening.
I continued to think about the question, "Would Jesus be impressed with my faith?", and at some point it occurred to me that Jesus is not asking me to be like Macrina, Joyce Rupp, Henri Nouwen....Jesus is asking me to be "me". "ME" with all my questions and all my struggles. "ME" with all my joys and peculiarities. Because when I am doing my best to be ME, that is when I am closest to Christ and THAT IS WHEN HE IS IMPRESSED. Or, I think a better way of saying this would be, when I am being "ME" that is when Jesus smiles his biggest smile.
Still, thinking more about Macrina's thoughts on the Canaanite Woman, I do have a strong sense of hope that lives in my heart. If I did not, then I would not have made it this far! I've said many times that if I ever lose my sense of humor, then that is when those who love me need to worry.
For instance, you've seen these "Perfect 10 Bodies" on t-shirts?
Twelve years ago, after the horrific car accident, I had a halo screwed into my head. It was attached to a brace that went around my chest. A most cumbersome piece of equipment! Long story short, a loving cousin sent me a t-shirt with a purple bikini on the front and back. Now, you can imagine, one can't get many things over these halos, but this t-shirt had a wide neck. One March day, when I was going in to therapy as an out-patient, I had my daughter help me get this t-shirt on over the halo. I put my winter coat on...and off we went to the Rehab Hospital of Indiana. When I walked in I banged on a post to get attention and then in my loudest hummmmm I did my best to do a teasing dance as I removed my winter coat to expose my perfect 10 body.
Hope that there is more to
the story than this moment...
Three months before, I would never have believed you if you had told me I would do something this nuts. At the time I was scared and God seemed to have forgotten all about San. But that March morning, the embers of hope had grown hotter and I was once again looking forward with energy...and hope.
The Canaanite Woman had a heart of hope and I realized this afternoon that same hope has saved me more than once in my life. Something else Macrina says resonated as well.
"...when I am so angry at God for not coming, yet so hungry for God's presence, some kind of miracle always happens in my life..." (Wiederkehr, p 46)
I read that this evening and I thought, "How did she know?" That has been my experience! I am my hungriest for God when I am my most angry with him.
Macrina ends this chapter with a wonderful and thought provoking poem: O Most-Nourishing-One, if I asked you for bread, would you hand me a stone? I'd believe in the stone, it it came from you!
Oh, God, where is the bread? I've sat with open hands for hours. Is my heart as open as my hands? Or is this just an empty symbol, devoid of meaning devoid of reality? Is my closed heart laughing at my open hands?
I hear the songs they sing in churches: You satisfy the hungry with gift of finest wheat... And I wonder, where is this gift of finest wheat? Have I become the Canaanite woman to you, Lord? Are you afraid to throw your bread to the dogs, to the unworthy the blind the outsiders? Well then, I'll put on her mind instead of yours. I'll wear her faith instead of your arrogance. Even the dogs get the crumbs, Lord.
God you cannot hide from me. You cannot scare me with your face of absence. I scare myself with this hunger for your presence. I would break all rules to possess you. To be nourished by you, I would go to every table in the world. I would leave no stone unturned to find you lest when I turn it over it be changed to bread. I come looking for bread, but if you're saving it for your children, don't worry, I'll gather up the crumbs if you insist. I'll make a meal on leftovers and rejoice that I have been so blessed.
O Most-Powerful-One I feel so powerless so little and so poor so vulnerable so terribly wide open so seen. It hurts to be so hungry so dependent on your bits of grace.
Even the dogs get the crumbs, Lord I'll gather up the crumbs and live.
Lord, I thank you for all those times I have come to you with empty hands held high, you have picked me up and held me close. I thank you for the hope you have placed in my heart. I thank you for the words of scripture that help me recognize these stories in my own life. AMEN.
I remembered I had a pork loin marinating in my refrigerator late last evening that I had intended to roast on Saturday. So...after an already long day, I had a short night's rest. I am struggling to feel energetic about a new day so I went searching for a "kick in the butt" worship song.
AMEN!
The Canaanite woman - a Gentile dog
Jesus left that place and went to the vicinity of Tyre. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know it; yet he could not keep his presence secret. In fact, as soon as she heard about him, a woman whose little daughter was possessed by an evil spirit came and fell at his feet. The woman was a Greek, born in Syrian Phoenicia. She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter. "First let the children eat all they want," he told her, "for it is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to dogs."
"Yes, Lord," she replied, "but even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs." Then he told her, "For such a reply, you may go; the demon has left your daughter." She went home and found her child lying on the bed, and the demon gone. Mark 7:24-30
The Canaanite Woman. We don't even know the name of this woman of great faith who knew that all her daughter needed to be healed by Jesus was crumbs. She called out to Jesus to heal her daughter, yet Matthew says: "Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.” Matthew 15:23
Macrina asks, "What do you do when Jesus answers you not a word?...[I struggle with temptations..] There is the temptation of self-pity...the temptation to let my joy slip away...sometimes I am angry...the temptation to just go away. God hasn't answered my plea, so I don't ask again." (Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angles, p 43)
I have, at times, responded much like Macrina describes. I've had "good" prayers! I've prayed that someone be healed, or that someone would get a job or suddenly come into some much needed money! I have prayed for my own pains to at least be softened... Yet, God has seemed to remain silent. Have you ever noticed how LOUD silence seems?
A few days ago I played a video with the Simon and Garfunkel song, The Sound of Silence. "Hello Silence, my Old Friend..." Sometimes silence feels more like an angry force than an old friend. Yet this unnamed woman, in the silence of a blank stare, continued to look at Jesus and went to kneel at his feet, saying, "Lord help me!"
"Her response gives me hope. I love it. There are some of us who have forgotten how to kneel, and I am one of those with that poor memory. Yet when there is nothing left to do and nowhere else to go, it is then I remember my knees. I remember my family. When you're little and poor and you've no place to go, being on your knees before Jesus isn't a bad choice at all." (Wiederkehr, p 44)
She's right. I cannot remember when I have knelt to pray, yet each week I look at that stained glass window at the church of Jesus KNEELING in prayer.
So, here is this woman, humbling herself, yet still being persistent because she has a vision of her daughter being healed and she does not take "No." for an answer...even after she was called a "dog", she persists. Why? How? Macrina writes:
"...her heart was undivided. She knew what she wanted. She had come to Jesus seeking help for someone she loved. She would not allow her own hurt feelings to stand in the way of her prayer for help. She believed he was Lord! He called her a dog and she reminded him that the dogs get the crumbs that fall from the table." (Ibid)
This woman amazes me. I remain still, thinking of her spirit, her boldness, her belief... Yet, as Macrina writes, there are two other things that stand out about this woman.
Her undivided heart that knows what it wants. Even with the silence and the put downs, she remained focus on her quest...on her prayer.
She had an unshakable vision that recognized she just needed a little. Macrina writes, "Crumbs are what most people overlook, even in the spiritual life, because they are so busy grabbing for the whole loaf. But this woman didn't overlook them. Her heart was too single and pure to miss even the the opportunity of a crumb. 'Just a crumb!' 'Just a word!' Just a look of love!' 'Just desire my daughter's healing!' That will be enough."(Wiederkehr, p 45)
Scripture tells us that Jesus was impressed by her deep faith and he let her in. Macrina writes:
"Jesus saw the poverty within her that she had already embraced...She didn't deny her littleness, but neither did she wallow in it. She embraced it. Even in her kneeling, she stood tall. She was her self, her best self." (Ibid)
This is a wonderful story full of challenge for me. Macrina asks if I have ever thought of Jesus being impressed by my faith.
Wow...that thought can bring me to my knees. Paul says, " Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)
Before writing anymore I want to reflect on Macrina's question if Jesus would be impressed by my faith. I WANT Jesus to be impressed, do I rely to much on his accepting me as I am? Do I rely more on his faithfulness than on my own?
Ohhh God, some hard questions to begin a Monday morning! I want to have an undivided heart, yet I fear I am more likely to become distracted or even see your silence as being about me. When that happens, I loose the focus of my prayer and as Macrina says, I become angry, sullen... Send your Spirit of Pentecost into my heart! Help me become the woman you created me to be! To fulfill your purpose through me. AMEN.
A reminder that I am so small, yet I am loved and am given crumbs so that I might rest in the love of our Awesome God - Michael W. Smith.
Psalm 18:1-6, 27-33 1 I love you, LORD, my strength. 2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. 3 I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies. 4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. 5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me. 6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
27 You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty. 28 You, LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light. 29 With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall. 30 As for God, his way is perfect:
The LORD’s word is flawless;
he shields all who take refuge in him. 31 For who is God besides the LORD?
And who is the Rock except our God? 32 It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way secure. 33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
Loving Father, Strong Deliverer, Encouraging Spirit, help me discern the crumbs that have fallen along my path today. AMEN.
Immediately, I am reminded I've had the smiles of all four grandkids in and out today. Each smile is different, just as each set of eyes...but each one touches my heart and reminds me of the love that is around me and within me.
My mother-in-law is dying. She lives alone in a home very close to ours. Today, between agriculture and his mother, my husband's nerves have been frayed. Today, between their own farming operation, two small boys, and her grandmother, #1 daughter's nerves are frayed. Today, between a hard day at work, two small children, having to make several errands after work, and her grandmother, # 4 daughter's nerves are frayed.
And then there is me.
I love this song by Laura Story....
Evan, Payton, Aaron, Cooper
This evening, I am remembering the smiles of the four kids as I look back over this day. In many ways, their smiles are more than a few crumbs. Sitting here this evening, I realize their eyes were the only "happy" eyes I actually looked into today. Sitting here, thinking about that blessing, I sense that Christ was smiling at me through the eyes of these precious kids of mine.
This evening, I am remembering two email messages from women who attend the church, asking how my mother-in-law is doing. Actually, with the second email, I recognized it as a crumb that was offering me a moment's pause...a moment's blessing.
Rebecca, Nancy
This evening, I am thinking that even though they were stressed, I've two really special daughters who are finding time in their day to attend a failing grandmother. They are a blessing. Their love...their gift of them selves are wonderful crumbs!
Before I could sign off, I received another call. "Sandi, I've fallen and I can't get up." Now, an hour and half later, floors mopped, carpet cleaned, and laundry going again...I'm back.
Driving home between our homes, Laura Story's words echoed in my heart..."What if my blessings come through raindrops? What if my healing comes through tears? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"
I have been doing a little more thinking about my crumbs, and the story of God providing manna for the ancient Israelites came to mind. Exodus 16:10-20. And, in my looking back, I learned something new...and it isn't even 8:00 in the morning yet!
"...in the morning there was a layer of dew all over the camp. When the layer of dew had lifted, there on the wilderness ground was a fine flaky something, fine as frost on the ground. The Israelites took one look and said to one another,man-hu (What is it?). They had no idea what it was." (Eugene Peterson, The Message)
Then... 19Moses said to them, "Don't leave any of it until morning." 20 But they didn't listen to Moses. A few of the men kept back some of it until morning. It got wormy and smelled bad.(The Message)
I wait for the whole muffin, yet,
I can be nourished by the crumbs.
One, I had always envisioned small loaves of "bread" as the manna. When reading this passage in the past, I completely blew over "fine as frost on the ground" because I already had an image in my mind. Looking at this picture I saw .... CRUMBS!
I thought about verses 19-20 and I wondered:..."If I save my crumbs, waiting to eat when I have a plate full or a whole loaf, they will become moldy and smelly. So, my lesson, is to pay attention! To gather the crumbs God drops along my path each day so that I will be nourished daily rather than waiting until I "need" the nourishment....
An OLD Gospel song....Feed Me Jesus...
Yesterday, I journaled about Macrina's 1. Love for trees. 2. Moments of beauty. 3. Sin and weakness in her life. and 4. Being able to recognize and admit that she is wrong. I still smile writing the fourth crumb. Today...a few more crumbs of manna....
LONELINESS:
Lonely as a barren tree in an
empty field on a cold winter's day.
My loneliness attracts me...like a magnet I am drawn...longing to be one with God.
The separateness I keep choosing makes me desperately homesick...
My loneliness blesses me...
because it shows me that I'm not enough all by myself,
because it encourages me to allow myself to be vulnerable
because it won't let me hide in the illusion of my self-sufficiency.
If you're hungry for growth, spend time with your loneliness.
PEOPLE:
...each person you meet is more like a loaf of uncut bread.
Each person is a lot like you, deep and not yet fully explored, scared and beautiful, fragile and strong.
People are nourishing. When your depth meets the depth of another...what a sacrament that can be!
It is possible for me to take my closest relationships for granted. Yet, my heart cannot live without intimacy.
I need special people to whom I can be vulnerable...to show my soul.
Relationships must be nurtured, nourished and celebrated.
Next time I am walking through a crowd/group of people...at the mall, downtown, along a trail at a popular state park.....pause and see:
the people as individuals
people who share the earth with me
the Body of Christ with a common God.
Your pathway may be different, but the love of God has for each is the same.
Bless them, then, by seeing them.
If Jesus' look was enough to bless and heal others, mine can be as well.
When I dim my lights for an oncoming car, pray for them.
Let your light-dimming become
a gift of love
a sacrament
a meeting
a moment saved, saved because you were there.
Wow....I am thinking back to Joyce Rupp's thoughts within The Cup of Life about blessing and being a blessing. I sometimes make it much more difficult than it need be. It is all about changing myself, my inner self, which things sends out some different "karma" into the universe. Like a small stone dropped into a still pool...it ripples out in ways I may never know or even appreciate.
CRITICISM: (Oh...here I go!!)
Wonderful eye-opener of something I often do not like!
Macrina refers to criticism as a "guest" because always when she is criticized that word of criticism, welcome or unwelcome, moves in on me, sets up a tent in my heart, looks me square in the dye, and says, "Well, what do you think? True or false?"
When I am criticized, I can learn from it...the choice is mine.
Sometimes if I look deep enough, I can find just a little truth, so little that it could have been missed had I not taken it to prayer.
Why should I refuse to learn just because the gift comes in a package not so nicely wrapped?
The freeing thing is to be able to have the humility to look at myself with loving, microscopic eyes and then go on from there. This is all a part of my potential to let everything nourish me.
Oh, God....help me to grow to the point I can hold criticism without feeling unloved, disliked, ....!!!
Sometimes the food we need is found in lowly places.
Until we learn to sit at one another's feet, we will starve at our lavish banquet tables.
Crumbs...
There is a lot here for me to reflect on. When I finish reading and journaling about Macrina's crumbs...I want to spend time reflecting on the crumbs that nourish me.
Some of the things Macrina has identified....Yes! These same things have given me nourishment, have blessed me...but I was not always aware that this was so in that moment. Yesterday, I wrote about the practice of The Examen. Here is another link from Loyola Press on The Daily Examen.
The Daily Examen......
This is a version of the five-step Daily Examen that St. Ignatius practiced.
1. Become aware of God’s presence.
2. Review the day with gratitude.
3. Pay attention to your emotions.
4. Choose one feature of the day and pray from it.
5. Look toward tomorrow.
Simply one more tool....
Fr. Dennis Hamm, SJ, a scripture professor at Creighton University, calls the Daily Examen “rummaging for God.” He likens it to “going through a drawer full of stuff, feeling around, looking for something that you are sure must be there.” That’s an accurate description of what it’s like to pray the Daily Examen. We look back on the previous day, rummaging through the “stuff,” and finding God in it. We know he is there.
I like the image of "rummaging for God." I even discovered a book with that title!
Many things to hold....many crumbs scattered along my path. So much nourishment when I am present and notice...
Spirit, today, help me to open the eyes of my heart, so that I might be truly present to God within this world. I ask this in the name of my Risen Savior!! AMEN!
While I don't plan on always doing an evening review, if something comes to mind, I will be here. I enjoy listening to poetry by David Whyte. In this video he shares his thoughts about Faith.
FAITH
I want to write about faith,
about the way the moon rises
over cold snow, night after night,
faithful even as it fades from fullness,
slowly becoming that last curving and impossible
sliver of light before the final darkness.
But I have no faith myself
I refuse it even the smallest entry.
Let this then, my small poem,
like a new moon, slender and barely open,
be the first prayer that opens me to faith.
-- David Whyte
"...my small poem..." crumbs that open me to the holy, that encourages me, that feeds my heart and gives me faith.
When I was outside today, I did pick up a white dandelion and studied it...and was amazed. There is great beauty within these delicate "weeds"! I wondered what else I have taken for granted and as if on cue, a robin began singing his heart out as the sky began to darken. I listened, smiled and bowed, and thanked the robin for the wonderful concert. I felt blessed, and I suppose these would be considered "crumbs."
This has been a much more busy day than I had planned. Tonight I am tired and hoping for a restful sleep. I have just read Psalm 37 as I prepare for this night's rest. This Psalm contains some amazing verses that are wonderful to hold as I get ready for sleep.
Oh, to have the heart of a child!
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun. 7 Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;
23 The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him; 24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand. 25 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread. 26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing. 27 Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever. 28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
I really have not been paying attention
to the fascination with "angels"!
Today, thinking about angels I remembered Nicholas Cage had a movie several years ago...City of Angels. I discovered this video and it really spoke to my "cloud loving" heart. When I stop and pause...and notice, I truly am surrounded by the holy...the spectacular.
Holy and Healing God, bless all who pause to look...pause to catch a glimpse of the holy whether it be within a dandelion, the moon as it brightens during the evening hours, a robin singing at the end of a day, or dew left on the windshield of a car. Bless us, protect our hearts, encourage our feeble efforts so that we might truly be healed as we come nearer to your presence. AMEN.
Many Blessings ~ Sandi
about the way the moon rises
