Frail and Glorious - IV

Falling In Love With God

Pedro Arrupe 1907-1991

Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, than falling in love 
in a quite absolute, final way. 
What you are in love with, 
what seizes your imagination, 
will affect everything. 
It will decide what will get you 
out of bed in the morning, 
what you will do with your evenings,
how you will spend your weekends 
what you read, who you know, 
what breaks your heart, 
and what amazes you 
with joy and gratitude. 
Fall in love, stay in love, 
and it will decide everything. ~ Pedro Arrupe, SJ

"The ache for God lives on in our depths. It gnaws at us and cries out to be named. If we walk back through our days...we will come upon many frail and glorious  moments - places where our poverty and our wealth touched each other. Three such moments have blessed me in particular: one from my life, one from the Scriptures, and one from a novel." (Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels, p 19)

I have got to tell you, I have had profound moments in my life, some of which I have forgotten, but to recall a scripture or a moment from a novel...I'm not there! It is in moments such as this that I do feel "frail" and small.  I stand in awe of someone else's "gloriousness" who has such recall. Still, I continue to read...

The first moment Macrina shares is about the death of her seven-year-old sister.  Macrina was ten at the time and she had just quarreled with her sister before she died, which left ten-year-old Macrina with no chance to reconcile with her sister. But, while sitting beneath a tree in their front yard, Macrina felt an overwhelming love fill her entire being.

"It was a love that made me feel strong, noble, beautiful. I would not have used those words at the time, but reflecting back on the experience, they seemed the most descriptive of the moment. That love flowed into presence. It was as though I was not alone. Someone was with me...I felt sad and strong. It was a frail and glorious moment." (Wiederkehr, p 20)

This moment, I can appreciate remembering.  I think even I, with my screwy head would remember something like this, but then Macrina continues...

"The second frail and glorious moment came when I read Paul's letter to the Philippians (4:11-14) and heard him say:

'I have learned to manage on whatever I have. I know how to be poor and I know how to be rich too. I have been through my initiation and now I am ready for anything, anywhere; full stomach or empty stomach, poverty or plenty. There is nothing I cannot master with the help of the One who gives me strength.'" (Ibid)

I am feeling in need of dose of help and strength....

Just when I am beginning to feel more confidence in my reading and studying....geeze.... Still, I am staying with this.  : ) Isn't there a song or something about "I shall persevere..."  On to the third frail and glorious moment Macrina recalls:

"...comes from Graham Greene's novel, The Power and the Glory. The scene is that of a preist condemned to death during a religious persecution in Mexico. The tension in his life has driven him to depend too much on alcohol during his later years.

'When he woke up it was dawn...It was the morning of his death. He crouched on the floor with the empty brandy flask in his hand trying to remember an act of contrition...He was confused...it was not the good death for which one always prayed. He caught sight of his own shadow on the cell wall...What a fool he had been to think that he was strong enough to stay when others fled. What an impossible fellow I am, he thought. I have done nothing for anybody. I might just as well have never lived.

Tears poured down his face: he was not at that moment afraid of damnation...He felt only an immense disappointment becasue he had to go to God empty-handed, with nothing at all. It seemed to him at that moment that it would have been quite easy to have been a saint. It would only have needed a little self-restraint and a little courage.

He felt like someone who had missed happiness by seconds at an appointed place. He knew now that at the end there was only one thing that counted - to be a saint.'" (Wierderkehr, p 20-21)

I think of myself as being a fairly observant person, and I am.  When participating in workshops, I am often the one who notices the individual/s who is checking out, is confused, is upset.  Others have at times depended on Sandi to be the one to "notice" what is happening beneath the words.  Yet, in this story of the priest, I think I would have read this passage and simply seen a disappointed and sad man who had screwed up and was facing the end of his life. I was humbled reading what the eyes of Macrina's heart saw and I thought of this prayer by Brandon Heath

 "At this moment the whiskey-drinking priest can see nothing in his life except his frailty. His glory is hidden from him. You and I , stepping back from the story, can see so much more. His ache for God is obvious. He wanted to be a saint! Reading this story, it is easy for me to see his frailty and his glory, his littleness and his greatness." (Ibid)

What does the eyes of
God look like?

If Macrina "easily" sees this, then I do need to pray Brandon's prayer fervently. I'm sitting here wondering who else I have "judged" without noticing their ache for God and their glory.  I am sad to admit, several faces cross my heart as I ponder that question.

Macrina writes that the eye of God beholds so much more than we are able to see in our lives at any moment. Praise God! "Always" she says, our goodness and potential loom large under God's gaze. If this is true, then why is it so difficult for me to see this goodness and potential, me, who strives to be the hands and feet of Christ in my life?

"Are we not aware that when Paul says in his letters, 'Give the saints greetings,' he is talking about the saints on earth, not the saints in heaven? This is our vocation: to be saints. The journey to holiness begins this side of heaven. The taste of heaven begins right now. How hesitant we are to claim our inheritance!" (Ibid)

Not Henry's house, just similar...

In the area I live there used to be a few "hermit" like people who lived in run down shacks.  Often, their little shack was situated on farm ground and at some point my husband began renting their land. One man in particular, Henry, ate what came from his modest garden and government seconds.  I would send left overs to him by way of my husband, but I seldom went to his home.  The man quite literally scared me...gave me the creeps.

When Henry died, his mind was gone, and he basically died alone. My husband always insisted that Henry had money, but that was hard to believe...but he did.  And what the attorneys and state didn't get, some distant cousin claimed.  Thinking of Henry, I still shake my head in disbelief, yet that is what Macrina says I do in regards to my spiritual life.

"...as Father Plus, whom I referred to in my introduction...has said, 'In this frail envelope of our body is enclosed a great marvel.' We have riches that we refuse to own." (Ibid)

Thomas Merton 1915-1968

Thomas Merton  agrees with Macrina.  He made loving reference to this marvel when he says:
Make ready for the Christ,
Whose smile,
like lightening,
Sets free the song of everlasting glory
That now sleeps,
in your paper flesh,
like dynamite.


Again, I feel so humbled as I hold the thoughts and insights of Macrina, Thomas Merton, the Apostle Paul, Pedro Arrupe... They write so easily about this glory that resides within me....and within those whom I have judged or discounted....people like Henry.

Macrina continues by saying that my/our flesh is my/our frailty.  I understand that! My flesh, especially since my last car accident has left me unable to do many of the things I enjoyed before.  It has left me physically weaker, sometimes "unstable" when I become tired, sometimes it feels as though my flesh has let me down...failed me. So this notion of my flesh being my frailty....is not difficult for me to grasp.  What is a challenge is for me to accept that the "dynamite" is my splendor.

"When the two meet, a song of everlasting glory will be born in our hearts. It will be the end of mediocrity in our lives and God will weep again, for joy."(Ibid)

God will weep for me, just as
the Prodigal Father wept.

Wow.  God will weep for joy...over me.

I don't know why this image has the power to take my breath away, because I "KNOW" this! I preach this! Yet, do I honestly believe it in the depths of my heart for "me"?

How am I like the downcast and alcoholic priest who sees nothing but my frailty, missing my glory? I preach a loving God.  I preach grace within baptism.  I preach all these good things, yet I wonder...do I accept it as truth for me?

A few days ago I would have responded, "Of course!" Yet, if that is true, then why do these stories and images cause me to pause....and wonder.

You are a love song
beauty set to music
You are a love song
I have chosen you. ~ Theresa Hucal

Lord, all this is so much.  I am reminded of the song by Casting Crown that asks, "Who am I...not because of what I've done, but because of who you are." God, people like Henry, the alcoholic priest...I look at them and think "what a waste" yet...I do recognize pieces of their story are my story. Lord, help me to acknowledge my gloriousness because it isn't "my" gloriousness...it is yours.  It feels like bragging/pride to think of myself as saintly...as splendor...yet it isn't me and what I do...it is you and what you have done.  In some ways, I can see that it is my ego that refuses to acknowledge the greatness within me, because for that greatness to truly shine...I have to let go! Geeze...God, you and I have gone down this path in The Cup of Life, and here we are again!  Thank you for your patience and your love.  Thank you for second chance upon second chance.  I rejoice that my conversion is a process and is ongoing! AMEN.




Yes, this is one of my most used songs, because it speaks to my heart on so many levels.  Casting Crowns song "Who Am I?"

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Little - Great - One, Come Home - II

Listen, with the eyes of your heart, how Eugene Peterson translates this familiar story from Luke 15:

The Story of the Lost Son

 ^11-12Then he said, "There was once a man who had two sons. The younger said to his father, 'Father, I want right now what's coming to me.'

Last time I preached on this text, I called it the
Story of the Prodigal Father.

 ^12-16"So the father divided the property between them. It wasn't long before the younger son packed his bags and left for a distant country. There, undisciplined and dissipated, he wasted everything he had. After he had gone through all his money, there was a bad famine all through that country and he began to hurt. He signed on with a citizen there who assigned him to his fields to slop the pigs. He was so hungry he would have eaten the corncobs in the pig slop, but no one would give him any.

 ^17-20"That brought him to his senses. He said, 'All those farmhands working for my father sit down to three meals a day, and here I am starving to death. I'm going back to my father. I'll say to him, Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your son. Take me on as a hired hand.' He got right up and went home to his father.

 ^20-21"When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him. The son started his speech: 'Father, I've sinned against God, I've sinned before you; I don't deserve to be called your son ever again.'

 ^22-24"But the father wasn't listening. He was calling to the servants, 'Quick. Bring a clean set of clothes and dress him. Put the family ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Then get a grain-fed heifer and roast it. We're going to feast! We're going to have a wonderful time! My son is here—given up for dead and now alive! Given up for lost and now found!' And they began to have a wonderful time.

This has to be one of my favorite stories.

 ^25-27"All this time his older son was out in the field. When the day's work was done he came in. As he approached the house, he heard the music and dancing. Calling over one of the houseboys, he asked what was going on. He told him, 'Your brother came home. Your father has ordered a feast—barbecued beef!—because he has him home safe and sound.'

 ^28-30"The older brother stalked off in an angry sulk and refused to join in. His father came out and tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't listen. The son said, 'Look how many years I've stayed here serving you, never giving you one moment of grief, but have you ever thrown a party for me and my friends? Then this son of yours who has thrown away your money on whores shows up and you go all out with a feast!'

 ^31-32"His father said, 'Son, you don't understand. You're with me all the time, and everything that is mine is yours—but this is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate. This brother of yours was dead, and he's alive! He was lost, and he's found!'"

Listen to the story again, this time as Philips, Craig, and Dean translate this wonderful story of love, of discovering self, of forgiveness...... of coming home. I like to substitute "daughter" in place of "son". I fully appreciate this song would be difficult to sing with the female. : )  When God Ran...

I have an hour and half drive in a few minutes in order to attend one of those all day long church meetings. This morning, I intended to simply share the story of the Prodigal with you, but then I was once again greeted by the ramblings of my Soul Sister.  She has a wonderful heart that is seeking for a closeness with God.  I hope she doesn't care if I share some of her thoughts:

I am looking to use this study to be, slow down, not miss what I have at the present - saying this....these are words I missed from the "Acknowledgments that now struck me.

solitude

poetry

silence

more than I could hold

constant reminder

fills the day with song

holy place was in God's design

hours

insights and suggestions

love, support, and affirmation

If I could sit with these terms awhile...maybe it isn't if I could, maybe it is....if I would.

 I think that these are the ideas that I overlooked on my first reading, but they may be what I am yearning to have or give.  In my constantly hurried and frazzled state, I do not often get/take the chance to really sit with God, myself, my thoughts, etc.  These words seemed to shout at me today.  Really listen and find these things you skipped on your first reading.

 
As I moved to the introduction...
authentic yearning
present moment
simple gifts at fingertips
good earth

Then..."This book is about trusting the power for good." - page xi.  Hm mm....even in myself?  As I turned the page, I saw who the book was for and I  thought - I am looking for these people also - "people who LONG for spiritual depth and have the courage to STRUGGLE with eternal questions that rise in their hearts" - xii.  I am not looking for someone to answer all my questions, just people who will be honest in the process.    Hoping to "find the grace that waits for you (me) there." - xii.  I want to know and believe there are others who want to "embrace and celebrate this ache for God rather than ignoring or denying it" - xii.

there is no escape from that loving gaze - PRAISE BE

I stopped and questioned whether I recognize that "this ache for God that lives in EVERY heart." - xiii.  I think I am quick to dismiss those that do not appear to have the ache.  Yikes.

I then moved to the idea of feast/famine.  Neither is acceptable in daily eating habits or in the biblical digestion of the Word of God, nor in the time I spend with people or Christ.  I need to have a continuous daily feeding of crumbs.  I may not have large amounts of time, but I must make enough to sustain me.  The Lord will provide my daily bread.  We live in a country with such abundance, that even the amount of time and energy that I have gets misdirected.  "The ache in our (my) heart needs to be fed.  Crumbs are entirely sufficient." - xiii

Feasting on crumbs...

banquet of daily lifethere are no leftoversEverything in life can be nourishingbe thereBeing present with QUALITY is a decision we are invited to make EACH day.Our real presence can feed the ache for God in others.Spending the days in the fast lane of life impairs the quality of your seeing.Slow down The choice is mine.  "Am I too busy with my own agenda to let God's agenda bless me?" - xiv  I do not want to be too busy.  Really, what is my goal/goals?  I am not focused.  Am I even making choices?  Then...I reread 1.  Little-Great-One, Come Home (hence the Come Home themed tunes, I had to look up.  Really thought about doing some research on my name, but...that is for another time. 

I did jot a note in the book about it.)it's part of the journey to be in process

being there 

I love this woman.  She speaks to my heart.

All this thinking about the Church, I have got to hit the road!!! Interesting enough, my Soul Sister shared the same song with me that I had intended to share within this journal.  When I want simple and beautiful I go to Acappella.  Enjoy....Come Home

Many Blessings ~ Sandi