Week IV - Integration/Review

Great...except it won't turn on!

My day is beginning well.  My Blackberry won't turn on, my dog recognizes she has been crated a lot lately, and...I'm out of hazelnut creamer!  ~~sigh~~

Breathing in: I am...
Breathing out: ...a love song

This morning I am once again listening to Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. The last verse resonated with me as I work through these challenges this morning and I remembered this quote from Cohen:

"Hallelujah is a Hebrew word which means "Glory to the Lord." The song explains that many kinds of Hallelujahs do exist. I say : "All the perfect and broken Hallelujahs have an equal value ." It's, as I say, a desire to affirm my faith in life, not in some formal religious way but with enthusiasm, with emotion....It's a rather joyous song. I like very much the last verse. I remember singin' it to Bob Dylan after his last concert in Paris. The morning after, I was having coffee with him and we traded lyrics. Dylan especially liked this last verse, "And even though it all went wrong, I stand before the Lord of song with nothing on my lips but Hallelujah." ~ L.C. 1985

Yesterday, during the Wednesday Lunch Bunch, I referred to Amy Grant's song  Better than a Hallelujah. I shared that some found the lyrics difficult to accept, "'''We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody, Better, the mess we are, the honest cry of breaking hearts, Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes..." As I continue to work through The Cup of Life, I am gaining a renewed appreciation for this song.

1. When have you felt like a broken cup?

Life is a series of choosing which path...

I think there have been times in my life that I have been a broken cup, yet either I could not articulate or I refused to acknowledge my brokenness.  Either way, at some point, the unacknowledged brokenness finally grew to the point I had no choice but to face it.  It was like that fork in the road.  I had to choose to walk down a path toward wholeness or a path that would hopefully keep the pain deadened...where growth could not occur.

There have been so many times I have made choices that have not led toward wholeness, yet, I am a child of a God who offers second chances.  Another fork appears and I can make a different choice.

When have I felt like a broken cup?

When I am living under the illusion of control.  When I forget God did not send me here to save the world. When I don't listen to my body and I push it past its limits. When I compare myself to others.

Becoming a master of The Excuse Game.

2. What form have some of your resistances to God taken?


I responded to that with my analogy of The Excuse Game a few days ago.

3. Describe a time when you were healed of an inner wound.


It was S-L-O-W and sometimes painful.  There were times that the wound seemed to open up again and become reinfected.  One of the Lunch Bunch Women pointed out yesterday, while studying her band-aid, that healing occurs and we can't always "see" the healing until....suddenly we realize the wound is not as painful.  (This woman holds much more wisdom than she realizes.)

Happy is the man that finds wisdom, the man who gains understanding, for she is more profitable than silver and yields better returns than gold. She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who embrace her; those who lay hold of her will be blessed.  Proverbs  3:13-18

4. Do you think there is such a thing as an "unmendable cup?"

We talked about this quite a bit yesterday and thoughts were divided. Maybe it is because I am an idealist, maybe it is because I am often naive, but, "No." I do not think there is such a thing as an unmendable cup.  Yes, there might be pieces of the cup that are missing because there is no longer an opportunity to physically be present with... But, I believe there are ways to work around this and to lift up the woundedness...and become mended.

5. What form of prayer is most helpful for you when you are feeling wounded?

Ann Weems

Again, we spent a lot of time talking about the psalms and how they contain great lament...AND end in a prayer of trust and confidence in God. The psalms have at times been difficult for me to "get into", I am praying that will change.  However, in the meantime, Ann Weems offers me a resource with her Psalms of Lament. 

Joyce offers several verses from Psalms as a way to close Week IV.  My prayer is that as I and others continue to reflect on these review questions and on these psalms...we continue to journey toward wholeness and hope.

Psalm 32:7 : You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with glad cries of deliverance.

Sheltered under His wings...

Psalm 57:1 : Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, until the destroying storms pass by.

Psalm 59:9, 17 : O my strength, I will watch for you, O my strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love. 


Psalm 61:4 : Let me abide in your tent forever, find refuge under the shelter of your wings.


Psalm 70:5-6 : For you, O God, are my hope, my trust, O God, from my youth. Upon you I have leaned from my youth.

God, my fortress, my high tower...

Psalm 81:16 : I would feed you with the finest of wheat, and with  honey from the rock I would satisfy you.


Psalm 91:1-2 : You who live in the shelter of the Most High, who abide in the shadow of the Almighty, will say to God: "My refuge, my fortress; my God in whom I trust."


Psalm 121:5, 8 : God is your keeper; God is your shade at your right hand. God will keep your going out and your coming in from this time and forevermore.


Psalm 125:2 : As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so God surrounds the people, from this time on and forevermore.


Psalm 147:3 : God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

If you would like a few more moments of worship. .Second Chapter of Acts - A Mighty Fortress is Our God.

 Yes, I enjoy an eclectic selection of music
Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Week IV - Day 4 - The Unmendable Cup

A Doubter's Dictionary

The unexpected surprises of writing this Lenten journal just keep coming my way.  This morning, I have received two gifts, one a quote by Frederick Buechner from "Whistling in the Dark."

“Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling the secret of who you are, but more often than not of the mystery of where you have come from and are summoning you to where you should go next.”

The second, I am still not sure about.  It comes from a group called Lifehouse. Wikipedia says they are an alternative band from the west coast but other than that, I don't know anything about them, except...I find the words to the songs I have listened to be haunting.

Joyce begins today's lesson saying, "Sometimes there are parts of our lives that are unmendable. Like the old Humpty Dumpty rhyme, we cannot always put the pieces of our life back together again, at least not in the same way that they were before. " (Joyce Rupp, The Cup of Life, p 99)

I did not want to continue reading.  I am an idealist who wants to believe "I" can fix whatever is broken if I only work hard enough or do the right thing. Yet, the situations that Joyce lists...

Brokenness that cannot be restored.

closed institutions, lost jobs, shattered relationships, loved ones who have died, dreams never brought to birth, and permanent bodily changes from disease, aging, or accidents

  are all situations that cannot be restored.

Still, Joyce says, Although we may not be able to put the old pieces of a situation, event, or experience back together again, we can still mend our spirits. (Ibid)


The Serenity Prayer expresses the vital truth that we need wisdom to know when something is unmendable and when we can "know" this, we can begin to heal.  Old hurts, heartaches, memories, destructive behavior and any other deep wound doe not have to break us apart forever.

I have journaled several times in the past few weeks of finding a new inner strength.  It is not for the fainthearted to step forward toward wholeness...because some times those steps mean leaving someone or something behind or to take action to put pieces back together again...accepting my responsibility within the brokenness. But then there are other times when our woundedness comes from situations that CANNOT be mended. Joyce says,

"...there comes a time when we have to cease our attempts to put those pieces of our life together. The healing of our spirit will come when we let go of the past, stop trying to have things be as they used to be, get on with our lives, and tend to what is before us." (Rupp, p 100)

The Twelve Step Program has a step of making an "inventory" of your life.  Joyce uses that same idea today, suggesting that today can be a day to take an inventory of my life to see if there are any fragments that cannot be mended and, if so, to give them my good-bye.

Looking at this image I thought how saying good-bye is a little like the Yes/No.  Saying good-bye allows me to say hello to something new.


Breathprayer:
Breathing in: Let the past be...
Breathing out: ...let the past be.


Reflection:
Ponder the cup as it lays on its side before you.
Is there anything in your life that seems unable to "rise-up."
Think about the possibility of it not being mendable.
Are you at peace with letting go of it?
Ask God for what you need in order to be healed.

Pick up the cup and hold it, upright, in your hands.
Ask God to give you wisdom and courage to let go of any old pain and difficulties that keep you in bondage.

Behold, I am doing a new thing!

Scripture: Isaiah 43:14-21
Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old. I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

Journaling:
Pieces of my life that I cannot "fix" and need to leave behind me are...


Write a dialogue with a part of your "broken" past.


Dear God, please grant me wisdom to know...

Dear God, so many situations have filled my heart as I have written, read, and listened to the various videos, thoughts, insights that  have come my way this morning.  Expectations that have not been fulfilled within relationships.  Expectations of myself.  Expectations of institutions and organizations.

Expectations....

I found this funny little bird that actually holds a lot of truth, that I do not want to consider.

God, yesterday was a grand example of "my" expectations of myself, being unrealistic.  I constantly compare myself to women my own age and think, "If they can do this, then I SHOULD be able to do this!"  I really get discouraged with myself when women who are ten years older than I manage to do things that are difficult for me physically.  My spirit is willing....but this broken body of mine has limitations that I find difficult to accept.

Lord, yesterday I preached on the miracle of Lazarus' resurrection.  I preached that the miracle we ask for, does not always appear as we hope, yet...within all circumstances resurrection can occur and you can be glorified.

Help me to walk the talk.  Help me to accept that which I cannot change and to live fully within the gift of this day....not looking back....not looking forward....just being present in the moments I have now.

Help me to let go of expectations I have had of myself lately and to relax within the gifts of relationships...that my worrying about my next steps have made difficult.

Lord, help me to forgive myself...

Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. ~ The Serenity Prayer


Today: Joyce asks that,  I will let go of one of the pieces of my past that cannot be mended.


The Wednesday Lunch Bunch has spent time reflecting on "Wisdom" within Joyce's book being referred to as "she".  I have explained that Wisdom/Spirit...is seen by many as the "female" side of God.  This morning, I thought others might have wondered about the "SHE" pronoun.

Lady Wisdom calls out to us...

In the Book of Proverbs, Wisdom is a woman.  “The Lord created me at the beginning of his work,” she says (Proverbs 8:22).  She was there when he made the heaven, the sea, the earth.  It was as if he needed a woman’s imagination to help him make them, a woman’s eye to tell him if he’d made them right, a woman’s spirit to measure their beauty by.  “I was daily his delight, rejoicing before him always,” she says (Proverbs 8:30), as if it was her joy in what he was creating that made creation bearable, and that’s why he created her first.

Wisdom is a matter not only of the mind but of the intuition and heart, like a woman’s wisdom.  It is born out of suffering as a woman bears a child.  It shows a way through the darkness the way a woman stands at the window holding a lamp.  “Her ways are ways of pleasantness,” says Solomon, then adding, just in case there should be any lingering question as to her gender, “and all her paths are peace” (Proverbs 3:17).

Prayers and blessings that your day holds a moment when you sense the presence of God, that you have a moment of Divine focus, and that you know peace within this journey.

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Week III - Day 6 - The Cup of Wisdom

Michael Card

I have many favorite artists, often the one I am listening to at the moment is my favorite.  Still, high on my favorites list is Michael Card. I do not think the man has released anything that has not touched my heart and stretched my thinking.  Beginning to read Joyce's thoughts for Day 6, it is storming outside, my youngest is beginning a new job today thus my little ones are being shuffled around very early, I have yet another full day...my heart is cluttered. Michael has one of the clearest and sometimes soothing voices. (Soothing when he isn't stretching my thinking!) Michael's song, Joy in the Journey, came to mind.  Joy in the Journey

My spiritual path sometimes seems dark.
I want to focus on the Light.

I continue to be amazed how Joyce's readings seem to hit me right where I am at this moment.

"I have often mentioned the need for guidance as we look at our less-than-perfect lives. It is easy to deceive ourselves as we walk on our spirtual path. Because we are flawed human creaures, we can get side-tracked. We can lose our focus...We can become absorbed in trying to be someone other than our true selves." (Joyce Rupp, The Cup of Life, p 82)

Joyce may have realized her reader could begin to feel slightly troubled at this point in the journey. I appreciated her gentle reminder ...

Calvin is ready to help!

"We need wisdom so that we will know when to embrace our imperfect selves with compassion and when to give our imperfect selves a swift kick in the right direction...when to embrace ourselves...when not to give in to ourselves." (Ibid) 

 More than once someone from the Wednesday Lunch Bunch has asked, "How do I know what God wants me to do?"  I have asked that myself. Joyce talks about Guidance being my inner voice, that when I listen, keeps me connected to God.

"It's not that our lives are all mapped out for us by God. The path is rarely a clear, visible, neatly defined one. No, rather Divine Wisdom helps us to discover, each step of the way, how we are to be a loving person in our world with our chipped, flawed condition." (Ibid)

Wisdom cannot get in when I am full.

I have heard that inner voice of mine speaking to me many times...and many times I have chosen to ignore it.  "I" had a plan, and "I" did not want to second guess myself, so "I" charged ahead.  But then, feeling frazzled and overwhelmed, I ask, "How am I to know what God wants me to do?"  

He has tried to tell me...and I did not listen!  He has sent Wisdom to me in the form of another's voice, something on the radio, a song, a poem....but if my cup is filled with my own agenda, I can not "hear" with my heart..

Sound familiar?

Honestly? I know this stuff! Much of what Joyce has written...I know, yet I do not live it well. Wisdom and Guidance have richly blessed me, and I have buried them beneath the clutter of my life. If misery loves company, then I am in good company. Think about the stories in scripture. Think of the psalms. Joyce says that direction for one's spiritual path has always been a need of people who are intent on following God's ways. Once again, I am so thankful that our God is a God of Second Chances.

"Let us trust in this wonderful guide who has been given to us. Let us turn often to ask for guidance and direction for our spiritual path for we, too, need this Wise One to teach us how to be and where to go." (Rupp, p 83)

Breathprayer:
   Breathing in: Send your light...
   Breathing out:...send your truth

turning my cup to each direction...

Reflection:
Hold your cup in your hands.


Recall that you are held in the Wise Hands of God.


As a sign of the all-encompassing guidance and wisdom of God in your life, very slowly and reflectively turn your cup to each of the four directions of the room.


After each turn of the cup, pray Ps 43:3: "O send out your light and your truth, let them lead me."


Journaling:
The area in which I most sense that I need God's guidance is...


I have known the presence of Holy Wisdom when...


Dear Wise One...


I am at a loss.  There are so many areas I need God's guidance.  I have written I am juggling to many commitments and I do not know what to do....other than to try and get through them.  A friend has suggested I seek the advice of a pastor counseling service.  It sounds good, but I don't know where I would plug in one more meeting...that would include me driving two more hours in my week! I am tired and my heart is heavy. A beautiful prayer by Thomas Merton speaks to my current dilemma. A prayer for guidance


.Dear Wise One, I sense that I most need your guidance and your wisdom as I contemplate where and what I am to do.  I feel pulled in two different directions.  I consider my age.  I consider distance. I consider my effectiveness or lack of. I make plans, yet, when I am tired and feeling overwhelmed, how well can I discern your wisdom and guidance as I make those plans?

I can't.

Trust in the Lord...lean not on
your own understanding.

I am like an overfull cup.  My heart tells me you are offering me wisdom and guidance regarding next steps, through my inner voice and through the voice of others.  But that wisdom and guidance are simply spilling out because there is no space in my cup. Thankfully,  I am not so over the top that I cannot sit quietly and recognize this reality. Sitting here with these thoughts, Trust once again nudges my heart. Recognizing how tactile I am, perhaps writing "trust" on a smooth stone to carry in my pocket would be a helpful reminder in the days to come.

I was a bit skeptical about turning my cup to the four corners of my room and praying, "Send out your light and your truth, let them lead me." It seemed a bit much, even for me.  However, it was a similar experience as the Breathprayers.  By the time I reached the last corner, my skepticism had melted away and I was feeling present with Divine Wisdom. I felt a sense of peace. This was a reminder for me to at least honestly try something before judging against.

Prayer:

Holy Wisdom....

Holy Wisdom, as I walk the spiritual path, with my chipped and flawed condition, teach me to be open to your guidance and direction for my life. I believe you want to use me in ways that furthers your kingdom here on earth.  By being still, and being more intentional about offering up prayer...may I make good choices that are reflective of the loving goodness of you. AMEN.


Today:
Joyce asks that I call on Holy Wisdom at least twice during my day and to ask for guidance.  I have a basket of polished stones and a collection of markers...I am going to write "Trust" on a stone as a reminder to ask... This is a habit I want to learn...

Many Blessings ~ Sandi