Hard Gratitude

"When your energy fails you, do not look inward and lament the lack you find there. Look to Me and My sufficiency; rejoice in My radiant riches that are abundantly available to help you." ~ Sarah Young, "Jesus Calling"

You Are My Strength - Hillsong


I know so many people who are struggling and I feel helpless knowing how to help.  They are hard issues that I cannot fix, I can only pray and hopefully listen well when they need a safe place.

Ann will be encouraging me to discover gratitude within the hard places, she refers to it as "hard eucharisteo."

You know what is hard?

It is hard trying to share the truth of discovering gratitude in the midst of pain.  The words of Psalm 27 encourage me, within my own fears and darkness, and hopefully the words of this Psalm will help me encourage others.  Verses 13-14 read:

I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness in the exuberant earth.
Stay with God! Take heart. Don't quit.
I'll say it again: Stay with God. (MSG)

Sarah Young, in her devotional book, Jesus Calling writes this morning:

Relax in My everlasting arms. Your weakness is an opportunity to grow strong in awareness of My Almighty Presence. When your energy fails you, do not look inward and lament the lack you find there. Look to Me and My sufficiency; rejoice in My radiant riches that are abundantly available to help you. 

Go gently through this day, leaning on Me and enjoying My Presence. Thank Me for your neediness, which is building trust bonds between us. If you look back on your journey thus far, you can see that days of extreme weakness have been some of your most precious times. Memories of these days are richly interwoven with golden strands of My intimate Presence.

"Thank Me for your neediness..."

That is difficult.

It is difficult to live and it is even more difficult to preach!

Ahhh.... I first must live this truth before I can preach this truth!

I actually knew that....I did need the reminder.

On the back of the book jacket of Ann's book it says,

One Thousand Gifts beacons you to leave the parched ground of pride, fear, and white knuckle control and abandon yourself to the God who overflows your cup. As Ann Voskamp invites you into her own moments of grace, she gently teaches you how to biblically lament loss, turning pain into poetry, intentionally embrace a lifestyle of radical gratitude and slow down and catch God in the moment. 

Not a book merely to read, One Thousand Gifts begs to be embraced as a dynamic, interactive primer inviting you to engage with truths that will serve up the depth's of God's joy and transform your life forever.

Radical Gratitude.  I think that speaks of gratitude within things that the world would miss.

Oh, we [the world]  so need this kind of  lesson, but I am not the world.  Still, as Gandhi challenges us" "Be the change .... ."


I have two appointments and calls to make...all with individuals who are suffering. I simply pray that I can take the lessons I have learned and continue to learn within these conversations.

Prayer For a Friend - Casting Crowns


Amen!

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Feasting With the Trees

For in the true nature of things, if we rightly consider, every green tree is far more glorious than if it were made of gold and silver. ~ Martin Luther


I Will Delight by Fernando Ortega


I will delight in the law of the Lord
I will meditate day and night
Then like a tree firmly planted
I will be grounded in your word...


I have been dragging my feet to finish Macrina's book, A Tree Full of Angels because....I don't have a book to blog with!!!  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Today, I decided to share Macrina's thoughts from page 152 of her book.  This journal entry is entitled: The harvest of beauty; feasting with the trees.


I love trees.  Earlier this year I posted a picture of a hard maple that has stood outside my kitchen window long before it was my kitchen window. She's aged and not in good health.  I am thankful for each season of her life. Thus, Macrina's thoughts on trees and community resonated with me. She writes:

"A community of empty trees sways outside my window, dancing in the early morning light. Revering them with awe during my morning coffee, I ponder. 

How many rays of sunlight have slipped through your wooden fingers, delighting me with golden steams of warmth and awakening me to the new day? How many parties have you hosted for the squirrels  watching their restless litte bodies leaping through your limbs - catching them, holding them, and being their support? How often have you welcomed home the birds nesting in your branches, lending them your slender arms, listening to their song, singing with them as you sway?"

I smiled, reading Macrina's reflection and I thought how a community of trees does not judge or create boundaries, limiting who comes into their sanctuary. I thought how they not only welcome new life into their midst, but as Macrina notes...they join in with them as they sing and praise and play.

Some days I think the church could learn a lot from observing trees and then reflecting on how they could model similar behavior.

"Your green leaves have long ago waved a fond good-bye, retuning to the earth to nourish you still more. Yet even in your barrenness, how beautiful you stand! You've held your share of beauty every season, and now with winter's icy breath almost upon you, you seem content. Content as when you wore your coat of green! Content as when you wore your bright and fiery robes! You stand unfretting and untroubled, a community of trees."

This morning, one of my Facebook friends asked, What makes you happy? I read through the comments and thought for a moment then wrote, A quiet day with no agenda.


Now, it is me who can glean a lesson from the trees! Macrina offers me such a wonderful image of grace, of resting as she considers a barren tree.

I've not viewed a barren tree through such a lens.  I absolutely hate the cold and barrenness of winter! I detest ice!!! I'm not crazy about snow when there is more than 2 inches. In other words, I become a Winter Grump.  I have to work hard to keep smiling behind my grumpiness.

I'm already experiencing a sadness as I watch leaves beginning to fall.  I wonder if it is possible for me to view the upcoming barrenness as my "quiet day with no agenda"?

I wonder if it is possible for me to view the upcoming barrenness with a sense of joining in some needed rest?

"A community of trees! A contemplative community, making holy space and time. I want to be, like you...I yearn, like you, to embrace all the colors of my life. I yearn to be the great adorer that you are. To bend and bow and sway! To stand in beauty through all the seasons of my heart!"

Wow...this is an image for me to hold as I consider my beloved and aging hard maple.  At this point in my life, honestly I can identify more with that maple than I can the trees I have set out since living here.  Most are 30 years old, young and spry in tree years! Yet, in their midst stands my favorite tree, an aging hard maple.

It isn't just me, there are many within my community of faith who struggle seeing the "golden" within their Golden Years.  It is easy to focus on aches and pains... to focus on those things that I/we can no longer do easily...if at all.

Macrina has offered me grace moments to simply sit within the sunlight of God's world this morning, acknowledging that I am a part of his creation. He has blessed me with a brain to think and to observe, and reflect.....

Sarah Young's devotion in Jesus Calling asked me to:

"Relate to Me as creature to Creator, sheep to Shepherd, subject to King, clay to Potter. Allow Me to have My way in your life. Rather than evaluating My ways with you, accept them thankfully. The intimacy I offer you is not an invitation to act as if you were My equal. Worship Me as King of kings while walking hand in hand with Me down the path of Life."

Okay, Lord, I get the message. Help me to let go of my judgements I make regarding my life and the life of others. By the power of your Spirit, help me to avoid words like "bad", "good", "sad"... and simply be present within your grace. A friend shared with me the other day how an individual she know's responds "I am blessed" when ever he is asked "how are you..."


Gosh, God! How might that begin changing my lens as I view myself, others .... the world? How might that help me to sway, bow, bend like the trees. How might that help me breath...making holy space and time, just as my...as your...hard maple outside my kitchen window makes holy space and time?


I am blessed!


Almighty and powerful Spirit! Transform me, help me to model the grace and the wisdom of the trees outside my window. Work within me, open my heart so that I might respond, "I am blessed!" and live into that reality! AMEN!


Who Am I by Casting Crowns.


Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Feasting On A Storm...

"The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm." 


One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite groups... Praise You In This Storm ~ Casting Crowns

Last week, Irene caused thousands of people to change their plans, to pack up and leave, or stock up and stay.  Grocery shelves were empty, gas prices rose and even though Irene was weaker than previously predicted, she caused millions of dollars of damage and claimed the lives of at least 45 people.

I actually read Macrina's journal entry on feasting on a storm Monday morning, but my heart was so full of the images of Irene, I couldn't follow Macrina's thoughts.  Today, I am still not in full agreement, yet I can hold her insights with open hands, acknowledging they are "her" insights and I can wrestle with them, embrace them, forget about them... : )

"Today I felt rather empty and unvisited by God. Then about two o'clock in the afternoon, after I had prayed for the hundredth time, 'O when will You come?' God came. God came in a storm, a wonderful storm that bent everything to the ground in adoration. The Great Spirit has a way of bending us when we forget to adore. While the lightning is flashing and crashing, the trees bending to the ground in adoration, men and women are at l sat aware that something majestic and extreme is being celebrated in their midst. With each storm the peoples of the earth may fall to the ground in adoration, stand in awe and silence, or fall to their knees in fright. Regardless of which position we take, at least God has gotten our attention. The extremely unenlightened do not even notice God's presence in the storm." (Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels, p 144)

Yes, I have seen great beauty within a storm.  I have noticed how fresh the air can be following a spring rain.  I have imagined the nitrogen that enters the plants as lightening breaks a part molecules.

A storm changes things, just ask the victims of Hurricane Irene.

Okay, I will admit that reading Macrina's thoughts on Monday, I felt a little angry.

"How insensitive! You wish for God, and He comes to you in a storm, but what about the damage caused by that storm?"

I may be a bit anal regarding people who "wish" for something and then receive what they wish for, not thinking about the ramifications for others. Many years ago, we were experiencing a drought. A neighbor wished for rain, saying he wouldn't even mind some hail.

Well, it rained, but guess whose crops were destroyed by the hail storm? : )


"The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm." 


For the most part, I don't like storms and I will admit...it is VERY difficult for me to have serenity within a storm of nature or a storm of life.  I'm working on it, but I'm still a long way from experiencing peace over anxiety and fear.

As it often happens, if I ignore one message, God seems to send another my way.  This morning, after ignoring Macrina all week Sarah Young gives me another opportunity to consider discovering God within a storm.

"Seek Me with your whole being. I desire to be found by you and I orchestrate the events of your life with that purpose in mind. When things go well and you are blessed, you can feel Me smiling on you.When you encounter rough patches along your life-journey, trust that My Light is still shining upon you. My reasons for allowing these adversities may be shrouded in mystery, but My continual Presence with you is an absolute promise. Seek Me in good times; seek Me in hard times. You will find Me watching over you all the time." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, Sept 1)

Darn....I have to admit that every storm encountered, I have been transformed...normally for the better. AND I have admitted that I don't know that I would have become that person without the storm.

Eugene Peterson, in The Message Bible, transposes Hebrews 10:19-23 to read:

^19-21So, friends, we can now—without hesitation—walk right up to God, into "the Holy Place." Jesus has cleared the way by the blood of his sacrifice, acting as our priest before God. The "curtain" into God's presence is his body. ^22-25So let's do it—full of belief, confident that we're presentable inside and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.

In his commentary on these verses Peterson writes:

"...the high priest offered sacrifices to maintain peaceful coexistence, to keep hostility from breaking out from either side...What that means for us is that we can now receive and give in relation to God without hesitation, without negotiation, without caution, without reserve. The way is clear." (Eugene Peterson, The Message Bible, p 1901) 

OKAY! You know what came to mind? Sacrifices to an angry God, to keep "hostility" from breaking out...?

Because of my belief in Jesus as Savior, I do not need to fear the "hostility" of an angry God.  Because of Jesus, I can pray for deliverance from my fear within the storm so that I might know peace.

Serenity.

Peace within the storm.

I'm trying. : ) You know, I might be at the point on my journey that I am better of finding peace within the storms of life than in the past.  I'm a long way from being able to praise in gratitude and finding beauty within the storm.

Ummm, I chose a ship as an image for "peace within the storm" and what story does that bring to mind!  Matthew 8:16-27

Jesus is with me, just as he was with the disciples!

In this story I am reminded that Jesus is the all powerful and the all compassionate One.

If I want the courage that comes from his presence, I must fill up my heart with "WHO" he is.

In this passage I read that Jesus had been healing people all day.  Peterson writes:

"He cured the bodily ill. He fulfilled Isaiah's well-known sermon: 'He took our illnesses. He carried our diseases.' (Matthew 8:16-18)

Matthew is making sure his audience knows "who" Jesus is by this story.  Then, if I believe this about Jesus, why am I not able to praise him within the storm? Why am I like the disciples who cried out, "Save us, Lord!"?

The good news for me is that even though Jesus reprimanded the disciples, "Why are you such cowards, such fainthearts?" He then stood up and told the wind to be silent, the sea to quiet down.

I have journaled before that I am a Child of God who gives second chances.  Yes, I may need the reprimand given to the disciples, but I can also trust that the All Compassionate AND All Powerful One is riding the storm alongside me AND that his peace, his serenity is available to me.

Sometimes He Calms the Storm by Scott Krippane


Sometimes he calms the storm with a whisper...sometimes he holds us close as the wind and waves go wild...sometimes he calms the storm and other times he calms his child...

Storms are a part of living.  Sometimes they are storms of nature.  Sometimes they are storms within relationships.  Sometimes they are storms of terror from others or from Wall Street.  Sometimes they are storms of illness.

Regardless, I can know that the All Compassionate One AND the All Powerful One is in the boat with me.

Lord, you know the recent storm that has hit my family and you know the fear and the terror of the unknown that is rising in all our hearts.  This morning I am not asking that you remove the storm, I know this is a storm we will have to ride out, together...along with you.  So, I am not asking you to quiet the storm; I am asking that you quiet the storm of fear and anxiety that is capturing the hearts of those I love, as well as my own. I am asking you to help all of us discover your presence with us and to lean into your compassionate arms in trust....Lord, help me, help those I love to discover your peace and your serenity within this storm. AMEN.


Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Somewhere in the middle....

There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened. ~ Mark Twain

Early yesterday I learned my trip to Boston later this week, isn't going to happen. While I was at first not wanting to go, after reading the itinerary that included a trip out to watch whales, an auto tour of Boston...both of which included lunch and drinks. Three evening meals in very nice restaurants and breakfast...I love eating breakfast out! ... but I'm not going.

As disappointed as I was about not going, I am concerned about the reason why I am not going because it involves people who are important to me.

On top of this, other concerns crossed my plate, leaving me feeling scattered, anxious, worried, and lonely. Using Macrina's thoughts and examples, I opened my Message Bible, asking God to guide me to words that would comfort a Flaming Feeler (INFJ) who just wants everyone to get a long!

But, I was restless, and unable to simply sit still so I headed for the gym to ride a stationary bike to nowhere. I met the UPS man at the end of the driveway and he handed me a book I had ordered from Amazon that I tossed into the back seat. The box fell out of the car when I opened the door to get my towel and water. I grumbled as I bent to pick it up, but as I started to toss it back into the car, I paused...

I shrugged and thought, "Well, maybe reading will make this ride go a bit faster." (Riding a bike to nowhere isn't one of my favorite activities, but it is dangerous for me to ride a bike along the road now and with the oppressive heat, I wouldn't want to! So...a stationary bike it is!)

Earth's Echo, by Robert M. Hamma, was the book in that box.  With everything else that has gone on, I had completely forgotten about it so I was curious as I opened to the first page that held this thought:

Granddaddy Long-Legs, which way is...

"Those who dwell among the beauties and mysteries of the earth are never alone or weary of life...Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts." ~ Rachel Carson, The Sense of Wonder

"Okay," I thought, "so maybe I'm not alone, I'm just not being aware. Ha, imagine that. My loneliness is of my own making!"

I began reading as Hamma shares his lifelong love of being in nature. He shared fond memories of lying on a blanket in the yard with his dad, star gazing but admitted that it has only been in hindsight that he realized those moments were the beginning of his encounter with the Divine.

"Nature may serve as a refuge for us, a place to go to get away from the pressures and distractions of our ordinary lives. We may find that nature's beauty or grandeur inspires us, that the beauty of creation reminds us of the Creator. But is there more to it than that?" (Robert Hamma, Earth's Echo, p 13)

Next Hamma writes about participating in the divine, paying attention, a path toward awareness, AND a sacred reading of nature. 

Ummmm does this sound familiar?

Macrina wrote about a sacred reading in A Tree Full of Angels.

Sacred Reading is also called Lectio Divina. I journaled many weeks ago that I felt as though God was determined I am going to learn more about this spiritual practice because it continues appearing in so many things I pick up to read!

Like Macrina, Robert offers me the opportunity to consider how I might use this spiritual practice in ways other than reading scripture. (Which is what I was trying to get my restless self to do before I decided to go ride that bike!) Briefly, using nature and the authors who have written about nature, Hamma names the steps of this practice as:

1. Paying Attention - We see nature through their eyes, but hopefully with new freshness in our own. Their words do not replace our own need to pay attention to nature, but may enable us to see more, to see differently, or to see anew.
2. Pondering - As we join these writers in the process of paying attention, their considerations give rise to thoughts of our own.
3. Responding - to the One whose voice we have heard. Our response comes spontaneously and it will depend on what we have heard. We may be joyful, sad, angry, or enthused. Our aim is to recognize our heart's desire in response to the "word" and to express it in a personal way. The traditional name for this step is "prayer" or "oratio".
4. Surrendering - The traditional name for this step is contemplation. This step begins where all our efforts at meditation and prayer end and we find ourselves caught up in the movement and presence of God. Hamma writes that such an experience is a gift, not something we can cause or accomplish.

There is more within the first few pages of the book, but where I began finding God's presence once again in my hurting heart began on page 32 with thoughts from again, Rachel Carson.

"Like the sea itself, the shore fascinates us who return to it, the place of our dim ancestral beginnings. In the recurrent rhythms of tides and surf and in the varied life of the tidelines there is the obvious attraction of movement and change and beauty. There is also, I am convinced , a deeper fascination born of inner meaning and significance.

"When we go down to the low-tide line we enter a world that is as old as the earth itself - the primeval meeting place of the elements of earth and water, a place of compromise and conflict and eternal change. For us as living creatures it has special meaning as a place in or near which some entity that could be distinguished as Life first drifted in shallow waters - reproducing, evolving, yielding that endlessly varied stream of living things that has surged through time and space to occupy the earth."

I have LOVED large bodies of water since my parents first took me to lakes, then the ocean when I was young. I can walk for miles, as water comes and goes... The sounds, the smells, the tastes, and the beauty of the shore tug at my soul like nothing else I have ever experienced. Several years ago, while in Grand Cayman, I spent hours walking the shore. Each morning, I would discover that the tide had brought up different items and that the water was coming and going at slightly different angles. Yet, even though it was different, the rhythms never changed.

Hamma writes how...

"...the movement, the change, and the beauty of the sea offers us an 'obvious attraction.' But there is also, as Carson says, 'a deeper fascination.' The obvious attraction of movement, change, and beauty leads me to examine the dynamics of 'compromise, conflict, and eternal change,' not only at this elemental meeting place of earth and ocean, but in my heart and soul. In the give and take of sand and sea I recognize the giving and taking of love and friendship, the reconciling compromise that unites what was broken. In the conflictual crashing of the waves upon the shore I hear the pain-filled cries and the unfulfilled longings - my own, my loved ones, and those of the poor and the oppressed. In the eternally changing faces of the beach, I touch the ever changing lines of my dreams, my hopes. Ever changing, yet still the same.

"As life once emerged in these frothing, swirling waters, new dreams, new hopes, and new possibilities continue to emerge within me." (Hamma, p 34)

By this point, I was hopelessly immersed in my own memories of the ocean and the tide coming and going. Closing my eyes, I could once again feel the sand beneath my feet and hear again the sound of the water as it came and went from the beach. With my eyes closed, I began walking along that beach at Grand Cayman feeling the sense of awe... Holding Carson and Hamma's words about change... I continued to walk and began to feel the anxiety and the fear subside.

Hamma is absolutely right in reminding me that within the frothing and swirling waters, new dreams, new hopes, and new possibilities emerge, not only in my own life, but also in the lives of those I love! And, just as it is difficult to see the sand or what is being brought up when the water is frothing and swirling...I cannot see what new things or new relationships will come as this tide changes and recedes.

Robert closes these thoughts with a poem that I assume is written by him:
At this elemental meeting place of earth and sea and sky,
I sense your call to look inward
even as I gaze outward at the horizon.


The waves wash over my feet
and I sink gradually into the sand,
rooting me in the earth and the sea.


Simply by being here
I know I am part
of the rhythm of the tide and the energy of the surf.


I am a unique expression
of the endless and varied stream of living things
whose life is your life.


With each wave I sense
the giving and the taking, the tears and the laughter,
the longings and the fulfillment of all living things.


With each wave I am touched
by the constancy of your presence.
And I dare to believe that all shall be well.

Yes, I am a Flaming Feeler who wants everyone to hug, make up, and be happy! Yet, over and again, what I have wanted has often not happened and the sun continues to rise and set just as the tide comes in and goes out! In other words, the world does not end!!!


I cry out, "Why is this so difficult for me to remember!! Why, do I let the pressures of life get to me?"


Before I left for the gym, I had sent an email to a friend telling of the cancellation of the Boston trip, the whys of the cancellation and several other concerns, all of which I have no control over. Leaving the gym, I checked my email and discovered he had responded. He began by writing, "Sandi, Life comes in waves...sometimes its hard to keep our heads above water..."


I laughed at the irony of his words and paused to pray for help in letting go, of trusting him [God] in situations/relationships of those whom I love and I prayed a prayer of thanksgiving for thrusting Hamma's book in my hands as I was leaving the house and for the encouraging words of my friend. I ended with a wink of sorts and exclaimed, You are so good! 


I'm sure he enjoys hearing he is good, even though he already knows!


Life is hard and I have known much heartache, but as Twain says, some of it actually happened! So much of my heartache is of my own making...when will I ever learn this truth!!!


As I rode the stationary bike, I heard this song by Casting Crowns from the woman's headset riding next to me. (I said a short prayer for her hearing) ...somewhere between my faith and my plans, when I'm caught in the middle... deep water faith in the shallow end...


Somewhere in the Middle - Casting Crowns....


Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Journaling Through My Latest Book...

"I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for who you are no matter where I am, every tear I cry, you hold in your hand, You never left my side..."


More on my journaling with Lectio Divina ....

Pause - Pray - Gratitude

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. ~ Garrison Keillor

My four grandkids that always bring a grateful smile to my heart.

I have continued to think about "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" as I have celebrated the Fourth of July with my family and friends this past weekend and the more I have reflected on the notion of "pursuit" the more hopeless it sounds!


I have talked before about my favorite devotional book, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.  Yesterday I smiled even bigger as I read the devotion for July 4.

"When you worship Me in spirit and truth, you join with choirs of angels who are continually before My throne. Though you cannot hear their voices, your praise and thanksgiving are distinctly audible in heaven. Your petitions are also heard, but it is your gratitude that clears the way to My Heart. With the way between us wide open, My blessings fall upon you in rich abundance. Practice praising and thanking Me continually throughout this day."The greatest blessing is nearness to Me - abundant Joy and Peace in My Presence. 

How cool is that! "...your gratitude clears the way to My Heart..."

Who said an old dog can't learn new things?

Something else that occurred to me this weekend, I THINK it would be impossible to feel both the positive emotion of gratitude AND at the same time feel a negative emotion like fear or anger.  I don't have scientific research, so I can't state this as fact.  It is something I hope to pay attention to. If this is true, that I can't hold both fear and gratitude, then gratitude births other positive feelings like joy, love, hope, compassion...and happiness!

Which would then have happiness pursuing me!

All of this brings me around to the news tonight regarding the Casey Anthony trial.  My first reaction was outrage, but then I stopped...I paused...

I don't know what the jurors heard to have come back with four not-guilty verdicts, yet, I am not Casey Anthony's judge. I decided I can be grateful that we have a system in this country that is supposed to be just.  Is it perfect? Absolutely not, yet I am blessed to live in a country with such a system. 


I realized I can choose to become knotted up with anger, like I have heard some doing, or I can choose to believe that God will work this out! I can learn from this case, and when/if I am called upon to serve on a jury again, I will do my best to be totally present and to listen with an open heart.

Before coming to these decisions, I turned to scripture, to see if I could discover something that would help me with the anger I had when the news came across the radio.  The danger with looking for verses is that one can find a verse to justify nearly anything one might want to justify! I know this all to well. As I opened my Bible, I asked for Spirit's guidance as I began reading.  I discovered two verses from James 1:11-12:

¹¹ Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. ¹² There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?

~~sigh~~ Sometimes this path toward spiritual and emotional maturity is difficult. I am beginning to appreciate that when I pause and turn to prayer, the emotions of my inner Demon, that want to rise up in me, are quieted.  Ummm!! That brings me back to the question "Can I hold both gratitude and fear/anger at the same time?"

Lord, it is so easy to "react", but I have learned the hard way when I react, it is often from my gut rather than my head or heart. Thank you for helping me to pause today. God, help me to pause in the future so that I might respond as you would have me respond rather than reacting with the emotions of my inner demon. When I listen to your voice...your voice of truth...I can respond from a place of less anger and fear.  Praise God!

Casting Crowns...The Voice of Truth 


One more picture of the four little people who bring such joy to my heart!






Many Blessings ~ A Grateful "Giz"

Frail and Glorious - IV

Falling In Love With God

Pedro Arrupe 1907-1991

Nothing is more practical than finding God,
that is, than falling in love 
in a quite absolute, final way. 
What you are in love with, 
what seizes your imagination, 
will affect everything. 
It will decide what will get you 
out of bed in the morning, 
what you will do with your evenings,
how you will spend your weekends 
what you read, who you know, 
what breaks your heart, 
and what amazes you 
with joy and gratitude. 
Fall in love, stay in love, 
and it will decide everything. ~ Pedro Arrupe, SJ

"The ache for God lives on in our depths. It gnaws at us and cries out to be named. If we walk back through our days...we will come upon many frail and glorious  moments - places where our poverty and our wealth touched each other. Three such moments have blessed me in particular: one from my life, one from the Scriptures, and one from a novel." (Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels, p 19)

I have got to tell you, I have had profound moments in my life, some of which I have forgotten, but to recall a scripture or a moment from a novel...I'm not there! It is in moments such as this that I do feel "frail" and small.  I stand in awe of someone else's "gloriousness" who has such recall. Still, I continue to read...

The first moment Macrina shares is about the death of her seven-year-old sister.  Macrina was ten at the time and she had just quarreled with her sister before she died, which left ten-year-old Macrina with no chance to reconcile with her sister. But, while sitting beneath a tree in their front yard, Macrina felt an overwhelming love fill her entire being.

"It was a love that made me feel strong, noble, beautiful. I would not have used those words at the time, but reflecting back on the experience, they seemed the most descriptive of the moment. That love flowed into presence. It was as though I was not alone. Someone was with me...I felt sad and strong. It was a frail and glorious moment." (Wiederkehr, p 20)

This moment, I can appreciate remembering.  I think even I, with my screwy head would remember something like this, but then Macrina continues...

"The second frail and glorious moment came when I read Paul's letter to the Philippians (4:11-14) and heard him say:

'I have learned to manage on whatever I have. I know how to be poor and I know how to be rich too. I have been through my initiation and now I am ready for anything, anywhere; full stomach or empty stomach, poverty or plenty. There is nothing I cannot master with the help of the One who gives me strength.'" (Ibid)

I am feeling in need of dose of help and strength....

Just when I am beginning to feel more confidence in my reading and studying....geeze.... Still, I am staying with this.  : ) Isn't there a song or something about "I shall persevere..."  On to the third frail and glorious moment Macrina recalls:

"...comes from Graham Greene's novel, The Power and the Glory. The scene is that of a preist condemned to death during a religious persecution in Mexico. The tension in his life has driven him to depend too much on alcohol during his later years.

'When he woke up it was dawn...It was the morning of his death. He crouched on the floor with the empty brandy flask in his hand trying to remember an act of contrition...He was confused...it was not the good death for which one always prayed. He caught sight of his own shadow on the cell wall...What a fool he had been to think that he was strong enough to stay when others fled. What an impossible fellow I am, he thought. I have done nothing for anybody. I might just as well have never lived.

Tears poured down his face: he was not at that moment afraid of damnation...He felt only an immense disappointment becasue he had to go to God empty-handed, with nothing at all. It seemed to him at that moment that it would have been quite easy to have been a saint. It would only have needed a little self-restraint and a little courage.

He felt like someone who had missed happiness by seconds at an appointed place. He knew now that at the end there was only one thing that counted - to be a saint.'" (Wierderkehr, p 20-21)

I think of myself as being a fairly observant person, and I am.  When participating in workshops, I am often the one who notices the individual/s who is checking out, is confused, is upset.  Others have at times depended on Sandi to be the one to "notice" what is happening beneath the words.  Yet, in this story of the priest, I think I would have read this passage and simply seen a disappointed and sad man who had screwed up and was facing the end of his life. I was humbled reading what the eyes of Macrina's heart saw and I thought of this prayer by Brandon Heath

 "At this moment the whiskey-drinking priest can see nothing in his life except his frailty. His glory is hidden from him. You and I , stepping back from the story, can see so much more. His ache for God is obvious. He wanted to be a saint! Reading this story, it is easy for me to see his frailty and his glory, his littleness and his greatness." (Ibid)

What does the eyes of
God look like?

If Macrina "easily" sees this, then I do need to pray Brandon's prayer fervently. I'm sitting here wondering who else I have "judged" without noticing their ache for God and their glory.  I am sad to admit, several faces cross my heart as I ponder that question.

Macrina writes that the eye of God beholds so much more than we are able to see in our lives at any moment. Praise God! "Always" she says, our goodness and potential loom large under God's gaze. If this is true, then why is it so difficult for me to see this goodness and potential, me, who strives to be the hands and feet of Christ in my life?

"Are we not aware that when Paul says in his letters, 'Give the saints greetings,' he is talking about the saints on earth, not the saints in heaven? This is our vocation: to be saints. The journey to holiness begins this side of heaven. The taste of heaven begins right now. How hesitant we are to claim our inheritance!" (Ibid)

Not Henry's house, just similar...

In the area I live there used to be a few "hermit" like people who lived in run down shacks.  Often, their little shack was situated on farm ground and at some point my husband began renting their land. One man in particular, Henry, ate what came from his modest garden and government seconds.  I would send left overs to him by way of my husband, but I seldom went to his home.  The man quite literally scared me...gave me the creeps.

When Henry died, his mind was gone, and he basically died alone. My husband always insisted that Henry had money, but that was hard to believe...but he did.  And what the attorneys and state didn't get, some distant cousin claimed.  Thinking of Henry, I still shake my head in disbelief, yet that is what Macrina says I do in regards to my spiritual life.

"...as Father Plus, whom I referred to in my introduction...has said, 'In this frail envelope of our body is enclosed a great marvel.' We have riches that we refuse to own." (Ibid)

Thomas Merton 1915-1968

Thomas Merton  agrees with Macrina.  He made loving reference to this marvel when he says:
Make ready for the Christ,
Whose smile,
like lightening,
Sets free the song of everlasting glory
That now sleeps,
in your paper flesh,
like dynamite.


Again, I feel so humbled as I hold the thoughts and insights of Macrina, Thomas Merton, the Apostle Paul, Pedro Arrupe... They write so easily about this glory that resides within me....and within those whom I have judged or discounted....people like Henry.

Macrina continues by saying that my/our flesh is my/our frailty.  I understand that! My flesh, especially since my last car accident has left me unable to do many of the things I enjoyed before.  It has left me physically weaker, sometimes "unstable" when I become tired, sometimes it feels as though my flesh has let me down...failed me. So this notion of my flesh being my frailty....is not difficult for me to grasp.  What is a challenge is for me to accept that the "dynamite" is my splendor.

"When the two meet, a song of everlasting glory will be born in our hearts. It will be the end of mediocrity in our lives and God will weep again, for joy."(Ibid)

God will weep for me, just as
the Prodigal Father wept.

Wow.  God will weep for joy...over me.

I don't know why this image has the power to take my breath away, because I "KNOW" this! I preach this! Yet, do I honestly believe it in the depths of my heart for "me"?

How am I like the downcast and alcoholic priest who sees nothing but my frailty, missing my glory? I preach a loving God.  I preach grace within baptism.  I preach all these good things, yet I wonder...do I accept it as truth for me?

A few days ago I would have responded, "Of course!" Yet, if that is true, then why do these stories and images cause me to pause....and wonder.

You are a love song
beauty set to music
You are a love song
I have chosen you. ~ Theresa Hucal

Lord, all this is so much.  I am reminded of the song by Casting Crown that asks, "Who am I...not because of what I've done, but because of who you are." God, people like Henry, the alcoholic priest...I look at them and think "what a waste" yet...I do recognize pieces of their story are my story. Lord, help me to acknowledge my gloriousness because it isn't "my" gloriousness...it is yours.  It feels like bragging/pride to think of myself as saintly...as splendor...yet it isn't me and what I do...it is you and what you have done.  In some ways, I can see that it is my ego that refuses to acknowledge the greatness within me, because for that greatness to truly shine...I have to let go! Geeze...God, you and I have gone down this path in The Cup of Life, and here we are again!  Thank you for your patience and your love.  Thank you for second chance upon second chance.  I rejoice that my conversion is a process and is ongoing! AMEN.




Yes, this is one of my most used songs, because it speaks to my heart on so many levels.  Casting Crowns song "Who Am I?"

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

The Introduction of A Tree Full of Angels - 1

"If you can live by the best inside yourself, the worst outside yourself will crumble at your feet." ~ Laura Teresa Marquez

Before I can delve into Macrina's book, I am curious about these "beautiful places" that help to nurture creativity that she mentions in the Acknowledgments.

Chapel at Desert House of Prayer

The Desert House of Prayer of Cortoro, Arizona

"for the desert hills, where I found enough solitude to remember my childhood

for the poetry of the cactus - from thorns to blossoms

for the silence of my cell, which taught me more than I could hold

for the vision and courage of Father John Kane, who believed that seeds could grow in the desert."

Serra Retreat of Malibu, California. This site has a wonderful video of the drive into the retreat complex.

...for the wordless prayers of the mountains and the music of the ocean

for the dolphins with their constant reminder that life is a festival"

Hesychia House of Prayer in Arkansas

"for the wide-opened meadows and the rolling hills

for the bluebirds and the goldfinches and every winged thing that fills the day with song

for the whippoorwill - its lonely call and its faithful night watch..."

~~sigh~~ I can only imagine the sounds, the scents, the feel, and the overwhelming beauty of these places. All so different, yet each with bountiful gifts for those who step into their presence. I wonder if I might learn to write like some of these wonderful spiritual teachers if I soaked my soul into these places? HA!

Like many others, Macrina has observed there is a spiritual awakening taking place in the world today.  Have you stopped to check out the "spiritual/faith/Christian/religion..." magazines at Barnes and Noble? If not a magazine, go look at the abundance of books on spirituality...  Out of curiosity I typed in "spirituality books" on Amazon and received 134,871 hits!  There does indeed seem to be a yearning rising up to, as Macrina writes, "touch the depths of who we are...people to seek out ways to rekindle the soul."

Macrina then writes that everywhere she goes, she hears people talking of angels.  Now, that I have not  picked up. However, going to the ever faithful Google I discovered this movie from 2003...that I totally missed! Angels in America with Al Pacino and Meryl Streep. This show was based on an award winning production from the 1990's...so maybe I've just not been paying attention!

Still, angels or not, I do appreciate Macrina's concern that people today are lured by the sensational.

"The fast pace of our lives makes it difficult for us to find grace in the present moment, and when the simple gifts at our fingertips cease to nourish us, we have a tendency to crave the sensational." (Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels, p xi)

That is Macrina's first concern...and like I said, it speaks to my heart.  Her second concern is that as we seek the sensational, "the angels", that we are missing a precious aspect of Christianity.

Word Made Flesh - by C. Shreve

"We are an incarnational people. The Word was made flesh in our midst...Here on this good earth we have become flesh with the seed of God hidden in us. The greatest of all visions is to see Christ, indeed, to see God, in the frail and glorious human family of the world." (Ibid)

Macrina writes that her book is for people who long for spiritual depth and have the courage to struggle with the eternal questions that rise in their hearts. "Although I have never seen an angel, I am surrounded by a sacred presence I cannot explain." (Wiederkehr, p xii)

The other day a man asked me what I thought was the best time

of life. "Why," I answered without a thought, "now." D.Grayson

A Facebook Friend shared, "...angels are not my thing. I will move forward accepting the difficulty of putting aside my preconceptions and enjoying the journey."


At this point, I think Macrina seems to use "angels" as a kind of metaphor for the "sensational."  Again, at this point in my reading, I believe Macrina's purpose is going to be more an awakening of my heart to the present moment that I am living ...now...and finding the grace that awaits me here...now...in my ordinary life and its ordinary moments.

"You are to gather up the joys and sorrows, the struggles, the beauty, love, dreams and hopes of every hour that they may be consecrated at the altar of daily life." (Ibid)

"At the altar of daily life." I'm a blue-blooded Presbyterian who only knows about the Table and very little about the Altar.  I've read in scripture about altars.  The first one that comes to mind is Abraham taking Issac to be sacrificed on an altar.  Other passages from the ancient Hebrew texts contain stories of an altar. I "think"  the early church, pulling from their Jewish roots, used an "altar" instead of the "table."

stir up the gift that is within you

Casting Crowns has a great song: The Altar and The Door There is one verse in this song that speaks to me today:

I’m trying so hard   --- there's that image of my illusion of control

To stop trying so hard  ----to admit my helplessness and lay my pride on the altar

Just let you be who you are  ---so that I can become what God created me to be

Lord, who you are in me ----God dwells within me as me

The altar of daily life is one image for me to ponder, the second image is Macrina's statement, "We live under the eye of God." Now...I don't think either of these images are "new" for me, they are just a new way of thinking about what I already believe. Yesterday I used the familiar blessing of "Christ beside you, in front of you..." which I think is saying the same thing as living under the eye of God.  God is here...all around me in creation...within others that I meet with and talk with...within the words and images of songs, art, and poetry....God is within me, because God's seed is within everything he has created. But, that is a lot for my little mind to absorb!

Macrina thinks the closer we become to God here on earth, we can also become uneasy.  She writes, 

"We are strange and lovely creatures. We can ache for God tremendously yet find ourselves getting nervous if God gets too close. After all, the closer God gets, the more we hear the call to be divinized...we prefer to keep the comfortable masks that we know rather than to go through the purifying process of becoming like God." (Weiderkehr, p xiii)

WHOA! She's right, the idea of "going through a purifying process of becoming like God" sounds way more than I am capable of doing.  Yet, I believe that God lives within me...as me.  I journaled before I have that insight taped to my monitor.

I do not believe God wants to change "me", because he created "me" as "me"! This brings to mind that idea of "God-ness" that Joyce Rupp spoke of in The Cup of Life.

God Hunger

I do believe though that I can be more of "me" when I let go and trust God to lead me through this life. In this way, I do ache for God in my heart. I yearn for something more, a relationship that I believe is not only possible but yearned for as well by the one who created me.  I think about my relationships with my children, my parents, and my grandchildren...how much more intensely God must feel.

Abbe de Tourville is quoted as saying, "Say to yourself, "I am loved by God more than I can either conceive or understand." Let this fill all your soul and all your prayer and never leave you. You will soon see that this is the way to find God.

So many thoughts running through my mind...God, yesterday I said that sometimes it seems hard to know you, to sink into your Word into your Truth.  I think it is hard because I live within this world and it is difficult to sometimes accept the fact that you are HERE in the midst of all this stuff! Lord, again I ask that you bless me with your Holy Spirit as I seek to find you more and more within the ordinary moments of my life. For when I do, I will have a taste of heaven, here on earth. Praise God! AMEN.

A prayer and praise to end this posting: I Know You're There

Many Blessings ~ Sandi