Looking Suffering Straight in the Eye

Author - An Interrupted Life
the Diaries and Letters

"It still all comes down to the same thing. Life is beautiful. And I believe in God. And I want to be there right in the thick of what people call 'horror' and still be able to say: Life is beautiful....I don't think I have nerves of steel, far from it, but I can certainly stand up to things. I am not afraid to look suffering straight in the eyes." ~ Etty Hillesum

I had not intended to journal on Macrina's second entry of Etty's, but when I read it, like everything else I've read of Etty's, I stop.

She is on my list of people I want to talk with when I get to heaven! Or I should say, I would so enjoy just sitting down to listen to her share her thoughts without talking.

As if Etty's thoughts weren't enough, Macrina zones right in with her own, hitting me between the eyes.

"I always say that winter is my fourth favorite season. It is not first, to be sure, yet there is something in it that I favor. I need the scourging that it brings. I need its toughness and endurance. I need its hope. I love the way winter stands there saying, 'I dare you not to notice my beauty.' What can I say to a winter tree when I am able to see the shape of its soul because it has finally let go of its protective leaves  What do you say to an empty tree? Standing before an empty tree is like seeing it for the first time. Oh, the things that can be seen when one is empty." (Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels, p 93)

I read her words and wondered how she knew I had been trying to press all the flowers, the sounds, the warmth of summer into my brain so that I could pull it out when my very very least favorite season barrels down upon me? Still, as much as I hate to admit it, there is a quiet beauty within the winter season...that IF I did not have to venture out into, I might actually enjoy and appreciate!

But what really caught me off guard were the words and the phrases I highlighted in that paragraph.  I have never considered winter as a scourging, yet I often fight depression, fear of falling, more than normal discomfort...an emptiness.  Macrina continues to push me, to challenge me to look deeper:

"Are our lives so very different when we're empty? When we've turned loose our protective coverings, is our beauty any less? In the seasons of life, suffering is my fourth favorite season. I could not place it first, yet like winter, there is something in it that has my favor. It is not easy to be praying about suffering while the sun is rising, but I try not to turn away from what God asks me to gaze upon. My sunrise is someone else's sunset. My cry of joy stands beside someone else's cry of sorry. They are two seasons of the same life." (Ibid)

Joyce Rupp spoke of this in The Cup of Our Life - The Broken Cup.
Love pours out
but the broken cup
cannot receive
.
too pained
too discouraged
too shamed
too brokenhearted
too burned out
too lonely
too discontented
.
Love waits to strengthen
Love waits to nourish
Love waits to be received
Love waits to heal
.
in time
the cup will be mended
in time
the cup will be raised
in time
the cup will receive again
.
in time
in time ~ Joyce Rupp, The Cup of Our Life, p 90


Macrina writes a wonderful tribute to Etty:

"Etty, my sister, there was something about you that was glorious even before you died. That same bit of glory is in each of us, yet we are so reluctant to claim it as our inheritance. You were not afraid to stand in the middle of what people call 'horror' and still proclaim that life is beautiful. I tremble at your proclamation. My eyes fill with tears...This is the spiritual energy that has the power to heal the world. You were not afraid to look suffering straight in the eye, showing another face...a quiet, knowing strength." (Ibid)

http://frixin.deviantart.com/art/Hope-30582324

Macrina continues: "There is something about suffering that is ennobling. I've seen it recreate people. I've seen the mystery of suffering unfold people in a way that is sacramental, giving them the face of Christ. I have watched people suffer and I've wondered. I've wondered what it is that gifts people with the courage to suffer so well. What is it that makes some people able to embrace suffering in such a way that they are lifted up rather than crushed? What is this secret and mysterious energy, this seed planted in the heart of the human race?" (Ibid)

Several weeks ago I journaled about the blessing of optimism and how thankful I am to have a source of that, which enables me to get up and try again...and sometimes again and again.

That which gives me the ability to celebrate the smallest of accomplishments....I mean really small.

Yet, that optimism has been within me, it has been something that has given me hope when doctors shook their heads. It has given me the courage to wipe my own tears, and to give it another try.

My optimism has been self-directed.  Etty demonstrated that sense of optimism, that sense of hope watching helplessly as others suffered and that is something else all together! I know....I have felt angry, frustrated, helpless, sad... as I look around and see the children growing up in the shadow of the church who are hungry, mistreated, not being encouraged to read or to learn... I often feel as though I, and my congregation are putting band-aids on a gaping wound.

CORRECTION! Etty did not watch helplessly!

Etty was actively involved with all those who were suffering and even though she could not stop their suffering, she was a source of Love...a source of God.  Where there was hatred...Etty showed a face of love and a heart of hope. Oh, dear God! Even though I nor the congregation can make EVERYONE around us happy and healthy...WE ARE OFFERING THEM YOUR LOVE! We are a ray of sunshine within the bleakness!

I cannot improve on Macrina's prayer: "O God, help me, like Etty, to be able to stand in the thick of suffering still remembering that life is beautiful. Help me to embrace all of life so that I am ennobled, lifted up and changed into Christ. Give me the courage to look all of life straight in the eye. Give me the courage of the saints." (Ibid) And God, help me to recognize what often seems like nothing...when done with you in our hearts and our hands...it is never nothing!!!  I say, AMEN and AMEN!

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Tending to the Spark of Life

I feel as if I were the guardian of a precious slice of life with all the responsibility that entails. There are moments when I feel like giving up or giving in but I soon rally again and do my duty as I see it: to keep the spark of life inside me ablaze.  ~ Etty Hillesum

Joyce Rupp introduced me to Etty in The Cup of Life, at the time I was struck by her story as I Goggled to learn more.  This morning, again, I was struggling to take the time to sit down, to be still......... And I was reintroduced to Etty.

Kutless

God, Macrina's meditation on Etty's thought struck my heart, yet my heart remains clueless of how to begin. There is not a single song that comes to mind as I sit with my blanks. Still, I will go through the motions, but I need some guidance from you this morning! I need some direction as I go to Youtube...Lord, I need a song to get the blood pumping because coffee just isn't doing the trick. AMEN!


Everything I Need by Kutless

Would you believe, I prayed that prayer, opened Youtube and saw this song, listed as the first choice AND I nearly ignored it! I'm not that familiar with Kutless and I saw other artists I recognized.  I almost clicked on something by Mercy Me...and I stopped.

"Would it be possible that God actually is listening and gave me that song?"

"Nah."

"Can you be sure?"

: ) I moved the cursor back to the first song and clicked on to it...and felt as though I was given a gift.

I love this chapter 7 in A Tree Full of Angels.  I love how Macrina is taking sentences from a book or a single verse of a poem and uses them to discover Truth. Again, she is giving me permission to do the very thing that seems to happen so naturally, yet I often discredit the gift because it didn't come from Scripture of some spiritual teacher.

Using the practice of Lectio Divina, Macrina focuses on one sentence from Etty's diaries and then narrows her focus to just a few words, "...to keep the spark of life inside me ablaze!"

"What a precious responsibility! I had never thought of it quite like that before...But why not? If the spark of life in me is ablaze, that means I am full of enthusiasm, and to be full of enthusiasm means to be possessed with God." (Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels, p 91)

Reading about Etty's life makes this insight even more soul shattering. Etty was a Jewish woman who lived in the Netherlands during the days of the Holocaust.  However, her writings reach across any boundary religion might impose. She journaled of her questions, her doubts, the things she discovered about human kind... She journaled about God and his presence midst such atrocities. Through her journaling she recognized the importance of "keeping the spark of life inside me ablaze."

Macrina writes: "...convinces me of an amazing inner strength we all possess. Have we ever met our inner strength? Do we know the secret of connecting with it? What do we do with the slice of life that has been entrusted to our care?" 


Yesterday I journaled about recognizing I am on Holy Ground...what ever I am doing, I am on Holy Ground! To recognize that with each footstep I take, I can strive to leave a blessing. (The Cup of Life) but, then this morning...I'm feeling a bit of apathy!

Again, I turned to Goggle Images and searched for an image of Inner Strength. I was surprised by some of the results, but the charcoal drawing of the lion, stopped my fingers.

Looking at this lion I remembered The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis and the lion, Aslan. Aslan wasn't visibly present very much, yet the children mention him while they continue to fight battles.

Etty had her battle of hatred, death, fear... and within these battles, she knew she must keep the spark of life inside her ablaze. As I have walked along my garden, along the beautiful field of corn...it is easy to see God.  It is easy to keep that spark of life within me ablaze.  I wonder if I would have had the same fortitude to keep that spark alive in the conditions Etty lived?

Then, as I sit feeling a bit blah this morning, Macrina reminds me that I too live within a battle zone, it is just that the war going on around me are more subtle but just as harmful.

"There is the danger of apathy and complacency, living my life overly satisfied with things as they are. I have an amazing ability, at times to settle for shallow living...There is the danger of blindness, not seeing with my inner eye. How harmful it is for me to see only that which does not threaten me. Yet how often I refuse to look at the very things that would call me out of my frigid safety...the danger of negativism, becoming overly critical of every little fault. It is like being a living no to life's possibilities. All of these dangers eat away at me a little more each day, making the flame that I am a little dimmer." (Wiederkehr, p 92)

Maybe the images I discovered when I searched for inner strength were not that far off.  Just as it takes time and intention and TRAINING to build physical muscles and to keep them strong and firm, it takes time, intention, and TRAINING to develop my inner strength...to keep the spark of life within me ablaze.

The children in Chronicles of Narnia, did not just sit, waiting for Aslan to take care of them.  They were active.

Etty, in the midst of horrors I cannot imagine, did not just sit down and die.  She journaled, she cared for others while asking hard questions of God...and she determined it was up to her to keep the spark of life ablaze.

Kutlass expressed it..."When life is a mountain, you carry me...You are strength in my weakness...You're everything I need..." 


Spiritual Practices are the training weights to build my inner strength...to keep the spark ablaze, so that I know to call out to Jesus...because as I tend to that spark of life within me....I depend upon His strength more rather than my own ego in the "war zone" that surrounds me, that, as Macrina reminds me, is just as harmful as the war that surrounded Etty.

God, forgive me when I feel complacent and even a bit bored. Help me to stick to a regime of practice that builds my inner strength...which is You...it is my CONNECTION with You that is kept ablaze as I read, journal, sit still, pray...Spirit, thank you for the kick in the butt this morning! AMEN.

AMEN!

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Week V - Day 2 - Offering the Cup

To begin this new Monday morning a wonderful rendition of a familiar song and amazing photos...

Etty Hillisum wrote: "...there now flows a constant stream of tenderness, a stream in which all petty desires seem to have been extinguished. All that matters now is to be kind to each other with all the goodness that is in us.

Etty Hillisum 1914-1943

Last evening, I watched The Fall of The Third Reich on the History Channel.  I watched footage shot by and heard letters written by German soldiers to their wives and families. It did not change the horror of what happen, but it did put other faces into a time of history I had not known before.  Etty Hillisum was a Jew living in the Netherlands during Hitler's reign of power. Knowing this about Etty as I again read this quote offers another layer of appreciation of the power of her insight.

Joyce uses Etty's quote to consider the image of the Body of Christ and her belief that even though she does not hear a lot about The Body, it is still vital and helpful when it comes to living compassionately.

The Body of Christ Cross

"This Christian spirituality envisions each of us as a part of the whole, with the Spirit of Jesus uniting us...'If one member suffers, all suffer together with it; if one member is honored, all rejoiced together with it' (1 Cor 12:26)...Each and every part of the whole has significance and worth." (Joyce Rupp, The Cup of Life, p 115)

Joyce shares that she finds great strength in knowing that she is connected to everyone and everything in her world because of the vibrancy of the Divine Presence dwelling in each of us and because of the atoms that twirl and whirl in every piece of creation.

"All of life is a part of me and I am a part of all of life. All people are my sisters and brothers. In each one I recognize the face of the Divine Presence looking back at me. The God of Compassion has shown me a loving face; now I am to be that reflection in return. I am to be the presence of God to another. When I offer the cup of compassion to someone, it is God in me reaching to God in the other. There is a oneness of Love bonding us to all of life." (Rupp, p 116)

Joyce continues writing, reminding the reader that it is not only Christians who are encouraged to be a light for others and a source of love.  Compassion is a core element of other religious traditions as well.

Make yourselves a light. ~ Buddha

"In his last words to his disciples, the Buddha said: 'Make of yourselves a light.' How similar are the words of Jesus when he asked his followers to not hide their light under a basket but to place it where all could see. Like Jesus, the Buddha also encouraged his followers to be persons of great love." (Ibid) 

John Cardinal Newman 1901-1990

As she nears her time of meditation, Joyce writes that praying for and with others is one way of being a light or a sign of God's great compassion.  Joyce also names the groups that she will be meeting with in the days or weeks to come.  She then prays the adapted prayer of John Cardinal Newman that she has included within today's devotion.

I see that word "adapted" and I immediately want to know how the entire prayer reads. While looking, I learned this prayer was recited daily by Mother Teresa and her Sisters of Charity in Calcutta, India.

Dear Jesus,
help me to spread your fragrance wherever I go.
Flood my soul with your spirit and life.
Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly
that my life may only be a radiance of yours.
Shine through me and be so in me that every soul I come in contact with
may feel your presence in my soul.
Let them look up and see no longer me, but only Jesus!
Stay with me and then I will begin to shine as you shine,
so to shine as to be a light to others.
The light, O Jesus, will be all from you; none of it will be mine.
It will be you, shining on others through me.
Let me thus praise you in the way which you love best,
by shining on those around me.
Let me preach you without preaching, not by words but by example,
by the catching force, the sympathetic influence of what I do,
the evident fullness of the love my heart bears for you.  Amen. 


Breathprayer:
Breathing in: We are many...
Breathing out: ...we are one

In Christ There is No East or West

Reflection:
Hold your cup out in front of you.
Stand and face the East.
Unite with all beings of the East.
Let your heart extend compassion to them.
Turn and face the South.
Hold your cup out to all who dwell in the South.
Unite with these beings.
Let your heart extend compassion to them.
(Continue in the like manner with the West and the North)


Scripture: 1 Corinthians 12:12-31
 ²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.


Journaling:
I am a fountain of God's love when...
I hesitate, or refuse, to offer the cup of compassion to... because...
Dialogue with an individual or a group toward whom you feel biased or prejudiced.


I have been using Adam Hamilton's book "24 Hours That Changed the World" during Parlor Conversations on Sunday mornings during Lent.  We have talked several times about "crowd" mentality and how "good" people end up doing something they would have never thought capable. I watched this played out again in the documentary on the Third Reich last evening.  Good people...hesitating or refusing to offer the cup of compassion because...

As I sit with these images, "peace" keeps coming to mind.  If all Christians, Buddhist, Muslims, Jews.... if all religions offered the Cup of Compassion...if they would be a Light...then the world would know peace.  But...we don't and the world does not know peace.

As we peel away layers there are tears...
tears of laughter, tears of pain, tears of joy, tears of release...

At first I thought this Cup was misplaced in Joyce's book.  It seems far easier to work through than previous weeks, yet this morning I am thinking back to those previous weeks....The Cup of Life, The Open Cup, The Chipped Cup, The Broken Cup and with each week....I had to peel away another layer of "protection" in order to get to my true self.  I have often said that life is a lot like an onion, and our true self, our core, may only be revealed after all of the outer layers have been peeled away. 

When I peel away the layers of my conditioned beliefs, of my ideas and influences, and all the protective coverings that I imagine make me feel safe, I get to the heart of my "issues" and discover my own personal truths, my own deep knowing...  and awakening to the nature of reality.  And, once I get past all those layers, I find that within my center I am perfect...a beloved Child of God, just as I am.  This is what I and others have been doing as we have read through the exercises and stories for the past four weeks! Each lesson has been a peeling away...


...so that now, I can read what would initially seems so "easy" with new eyes and a new appreciation of what lies in my deepest heart.


God, I am a fountain of your love when I forget myself and see only the other person or situation.  I've actually have done this!  I don't try to get complicated or second guess myself...I'm simply present with the need.


Yet, I hesitate, or refuse, to offer the cup of compassion to ... when I stick a label/judgement on the person or the situation.  "She's never going to change." or "We have offered help before..." or "I heard she really bad mouthed the congregation, why would I want to reach out..." and "They have more technology in that trailer than I have at home! Why don't they use some of that money to pay their heating bill!" lastly "They are Muslim! I don't understand their religion and 'they' blew us up!"


Unconsciously and very easily....I create a Me/Them mentality rather than seeing everyone as a brother/sister...just doing their best to live within this life.  A wonderful lesson for me to hold comes from the book Gifts From A Course in Miracles.  It is entitled, Recognizing Your Brother.  Excerpts from this lesson...


When you meet anyone,
remember it is a holy encounter.
As you see him you will see yourself.
As you treat him you will treat yourself.
As you think of him you will think of yourself.
Never forget this,
for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself.


Everyone lives in you,
as you live in everyone...

For God so loved the WORLD...
not just Christians, not just Jews,
not just white, or black,
not just protestants, not just straight...
God so loved the WORLD...
what does that mean for me?

...Recognize all whom you see as brothers,
because only equals are at peace....


...When you have seen your brothers as yourself
you will be released...


...In truth you and your brother stand together,
with nothing in between.


Christ stand before you both,
each time you look upon your brother.


Dream of your brother's kindnesses
instead of dwelling in your dreams on his mistakes.
Select his thoughtfulness to dream about
instead of counting up the hurts he gave.
Forgive him his illusions, and give thanks to him
for all the helpfulness he gave.
And do not brush aside his many gifts
because he is not perfect in your dreams...


...It is not up to you to change your brother,
but merely to accept him as he is.


You will never know that you are co-creator with God
until you learn that your brother
is co-creator with you.


Peace to my brother, who is one with me.
Let all the world be blessed with peace through us.

God, I need your help to uncover, to open my prejudices that I hold deep in my heart...and then I need your help to let go. I don't think of myself as a prejudiced person! In fact...I am prejudiced against prejudiced people!!!  Oh my God...I have so much yet to unlearn, yet, I know you will be faithful...and forever patient. AMEN.


Prayer: (adapted from the prayer of John Cardinal Newman)
Dear God, help me to spread your love everywhere I go. Penetrate and possess my whole begin so fully that all my life will reflect your compassion. Shine through me and be so in me that every person I meet will feel your presence in my spirit. AMEN.

“I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch
with everything there is to know of God.
Then you will have minds confident and at rest,
focused on Christ, God’s great mystery. All the richest
treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded
in that mystery and nowhere else.
And we’ve been shown the mystery!” (Col 2:2-3 MSG)

Today: I will intentionally offer compassion to someone I know who is in need of my understanding, kindness, and care.


I think I will tweak Joyce's "Today" by saying, "Today, I will offer compassion to someone I have judged as not needing my understanding, kindness, and care.  I even have someone in mind!

Many Blessings ~ Sandi


P.S. I am still doing The Evening Review, but I will most likely not be including it within this online journal.