Watch for me today, San!

I am with you in all that you do, even in the most menial task, I am always aware of you, concerned with every detail of your life... Sarah Young, Jesus Calling

I discovered this video yesterday and I sat.... I watched.... I listened.... I pondered.....

Sarah uses scripture to write her devotions as though Jesus himself is speaking to me.  Today she continues saying:

Nothing escapes My notice - not even the number of hairs on your head. However, your awareness of My Presence falters and flickers; as a result, your life experience feels fragmented. When your focus is broad enough to include Me in your thoughts, you feel safe and complete. When your perception narrows so that problems or details fill your consciousness, you feel empty and incomplete.

Learn to look steadily at me in all your moments and all your circumstances. Though the world is unstable and in flux, you can experience continuity through your uninterrupted awareness of My Presence. Fix your gaze on what is unseen, even as the visible world parades before your eyes.

The question in the video, "Would you have come that night....  do I have room...?

I've been working through Ann's book and asking where God is in these hard eucharisteo moments.... moments that seem to be unending.

My mom sharing the plight of two life long friends who are in nursing homes....wondering "Why" as their bodies fail them yet they remain here.  Why....


A woman I will be visiting later today who lost her grip on "life" many years ago and now lies in a hospital bed with a questionable diagnosis on life.

A young man and his family with whom I will pray with today who wants to be a vital part of society, but because of an accident faces yet one more surgery today...

Brunch with a wonderful group of women, who each holds the reality that their bodies are no longer 30, loved ones are experiencing difficulties in health, time, questions....

Four young women who have my heart and who each hold unbelievable tensions, questions, schedules....and I am helpless to help....

OMG....I sound like Job!

Before I leave today I think I will read through God's response to Job for when I read Job, not in terms of human suffering but in terms of the limits of my understanding, I am reminded.... I am reassured that:

Nothing escapes My notice...Learn to look steadily at Me in all your moments and all your circumstances...Fix your gaze on what is unseen, even as the visible world parades before your eyes.

I have been holding on to this image for weeks.  Besides reading Job before I leave today, I think I may print this out and put it on the dash of my car...just as a reminder.

Unlike the Job character, I know the rest of the story....

I so appreciate this song by Faith Hill, A Baby Changes Everything.  It, like all these images I have included today remind me that Jesus is Emmanuel...God WITH me.....

This video reminds me that we have romanticized the nativity story.  I journaled a few days ago that there would have been pain, tears, uncertainty, loss.... by those who gave of themselves to be used so that God could come and live among us.  Lord! Help me to embrace the truth that you are within and between all that I see, all that I hold, all that I carry.....  Lord, through the power of your Spirit, help me to give thanks in the circumstances I will be carrying this day.....AMEN!

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Joy and Pain

"The difference between shallow happiness and a deep sustaining joy is sorrow. Happiness lives where sorrow is not. When sorrow arrives, happiness dies. It can't stand pain. Joy, on the other hand, rises from sorrow and therefore can withstand all grief. Joy, by the grace of God, is the transfiguration of suffering into endurance, and of endurance into character, and of character into hope--and the hope that has become our joy does not (as happiness must for those who depend upon it) disappoint us." Walter Wangrin, Reliving the Passion

After recording 1000 gifts, Ann reflects on the realization that she has a journal full of blessings, but as she has awaken to the joy of God's presence/grace/gifts, she has also awaken to the reality that awakening to joy also awakens her to pain.

"...life is loss...WHAT will I lose? Health? Comfort? Hope? Eventually, I am guaranteed to lose every earthly thing I have ever possessed. WHEN will I lose? Today? In a few weeks? How much time have I got before the next loss? WHO will I lose? And that's a definite: I will lose every single person I have ever loved. Ether abruptly or eventually...Every step I take forward in my life is a loss of something in my life and I live the waiting." (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p 84)

Deep thoughts.

Real thoughts.

Thoughts that I often try to avoid.

In a world of certain loss, then the question comes, "What is 'grace'?"

By naming "blessings", "gifts"...."God Winks" I am striving to be more aware of God in my life.  But, notice the words... "blessings" and "gifts"..... If I name these moments as gifts and blessings, what are the moments of pain, of suffering?


Cursedness?

Emptiness?

Forgotten?

Forsaken?

How do you know how to sift through a day, a life, and rightly read the graces, rightly ascertain the curses? (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p 85)

Like  me, Ann asks what is good, what counts as grace, what is the heart of God?

When Job lost everything,  he assumed that God had either turned his back on him or was unfairly punishing him.

What is the heart of God?

Do I believe in a God who rouses Himself just now and then to spill a bit of benevolence on hemorrhaging humanity? A God who breaks through teh carapace of this orb only now and then, surprises us with a spared hand, a reprieve from sickness, a good job and a nice house in the burbs - and then finds Himself again too impotent to deal with all I see as suffering and evil A God of sporadic, random, splattering goodness - that now and then splatters across a gratitude journal? (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p 85)

Like Job, Ann draws herself up and asks a hard question.

What are all the moments that I don't list as "gifts", as "blessings"?

What of these moments?

 God, it is difficult, this waiting...waiting when I see such darkness within such brightness.  Give me courage during this season of Advent to hold both the joy and the pain that is life and to see You. Through the power of your Spirit, may my happiness be transformed into your Joy. AMEN.


Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Week IV - Day 2 - The Cup of Suffering

I couldn't help but smile when I read today's title without inwardly groaning! I know the work will still be challenging, yet I am feeling more assured that I can indeed do this work. I don't know if it was because I spent so much time yesterday working on Holy Week services, but before I read past the title, the chalice immediately came to mind as the cup of suffering.

Can you drink from the
same cup?

Jesus responded, "You have no idea what you're asking." And he said to James and John, "Are you capable of drinking the cup that I'm about to drink?" Matthew 20:22 The Message

"Each of our life choices, decisions, and actions involves some consequences. Something will happen because of what we think, say,and do. These consequences may bring gladness, but they may also bring sadness...if we love someone deeply, we must be willing to accept that our heart's investment may cost us loneliness and heartache. We will be challenged to accept that person's weaknesses as well as that person's strengths. We may bear deep sorrow if they die or if they choose to leave us without our consent." (Joyce Rupp, The Cup of Life, p 94)

Joyce continues her thought on choices and suffering by reminding me that every investment has a consequence.  Parents, physicians, writers...at some point we have both the joy of the glory and the pain of the sorrow.  Joy, when things go right, when others are happy, when you enjoy success.  Sorrow, when you are lonely, vulnerable, tired within that same relationship.

"...we all have to face the question that Jesus asked his disciples. We ought not to run from the question because it contains within it the seed of spiritual growth." (Ibid)

Not my will, but yours be done.

Yesterday I was reminded over and over the consequences of Jesus' choice as I read about his prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Even Jesus found it difficult to drink from the cup of suffering. He begged to have the cup pass by him.  Still, because he had invested time and energy with his spiritual practices of prayer and being in the Word, he found the inner strength to say, "Yes."

Because I am a child of the 70's,  Jesus Christ Superstar captures the agony of the Garden in a way that offers me a tiny taste of Jesus' agony. This video has only the song, Gethsemane. I don't get caught up in the expressions of the artist. Gethsemane - Jesus Christ Superstar


"With each part of our life we can ask ourselves; 'Am I willing to accept the pain that my investment may cost me? Am I ready to be generous with my commitment even if it brings suffering my way? In other words, am I willing to walk in the footsteps of Jesus?'" (Ibid)

Every choice has a consequence.

Breathprayer:
Breathing in: Strengthen me...
Breathing out:...encourage me.


Reflection:
Lift the cup turned sideways from the table.
Hold it in your hands, still turned on its side.
Thank about your life choices and commitments.
Which ones have brought, or are bringing, pain to you?
As you hold the cup, hold the pain which comes as a consequence of your choices and decisions.
Open your inner being to the Beloved.
Receive the power you need to accept the consequences of your choices.


Scripture:
If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves, take up their cross and follow me. (Mk.8:34)

Journaling:
One of the joys about my life-choice is...
One of the sorrows about my life-choice is...
When I read the scripture verse about taking up my cross, I...

Some are small, while others carry
huge significance.

Life is about making choices...EVERY single day and nearly EVERY minute of every day! I make the choice every morning to get up when the alarm goes off or to hit snooze.  I make the choice to have coffee or tea. I make the choice to sit down and journal before getting dressed or after I exercise. I make the choice to eat a cookie for breakfast or drink a Slim-Fast. I ....

Yes, these seem small, yet even these small choices carry a consequence...and I normally make them mindlessly!  I fear that all to often I make "big choices" just as mindlessly.

Sitting with these questions, so many choices come to mind! I have not appreciated how all of life is made up of choices!  And, what else comes to mind...that many of the big choices that come to mind ALL hold both joy and suffering.  My choice to go to Purdue. My choice to study nursing. My choice to get married. My choice to have children. My choice to work in our agribusiness rather than nursing. My choice to commit various friendships. My choice to go into ministry.  My choice...

The grass is always greener on
the other side of the fence.

Not one of my choices have brought me complete Joy, just as not one has given me only Sorrow/Suffering. With some of my choices, I suffer something nearly every day, and there have been times those times of suffering have seemed to great...times I have wanted to walk away from them!  Times when I think something else would be easier...more fun... I fall victim to that notion of the Grass Being Greener...

Take-Up Your Cross...

When I read the scripture verse about taking up my cross, I... have thought of something BIG...maybe earth shattering, or "I will change the world with this..." I had not thought about it in connection with my ordinary, even my big ordinary, choices.


I slept well last night, not long enough, but well once I finally got to sleep.  The choices from yesterday...and many days before that, are still here this morning.  Yet, I am beginning to see them in a new light and I guess that is what all this journaling, reading, reflecting....is meant to accomplish.


Am I being asked to suffer as Jesus suffered? No.


But, I am being asked to acknowledge that I will have suffering in my life.  Suffering is part of every life.  If I move or if I stay...I will have suffering.  Now, I still have choices to make, and hopefully through all this time spent, I will make those choices with prayer and listening in order to discern.  I pray that I will become more mindful that life is a series of choices....and that each choice carries a consequence....and that within each choice I will have suffering just as I will also have joy.


Prayer:

Life holds struggle, pain, and sorrow.

Jesus, happiness and struggle were constantly woven through your life. Why is it that I want the joy, the glory, the good stuff, but I don't want the sorrow, the pain, the struggle? Strengthen me and guide me when crosses such as anxiety, struggle, heartache, loneliness, sadness, time-crunches, and frustrations pervade my days. Deepen my desire to be your disciple. (Rupp, p 95)


Today, Joyce asks that I will say, "yes" to the consequences of my life-choice and decisions each time I take a drink of any liquid.

Sigh...this is one of those times I would like having Jesus with skin to talk with today.

Prayers for myself and for those walking alongside me during this Lenten journey.

Many Blessings ~ Sandi