Blessing of Brokenness

Be careful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you, who belong to Jesus Christ, to live. ~ 1 Thessalonians 6:16-18

A great way to begin my day! There's no God like Jehovah! Praise God!

The gift of being able to spend two nights/three days at Pokagon State Park was a gift that will prayerfully give me strength in the crazy days to come!

I heard so many first hand accounts of brothers and sisters in far corners of the world...and I was humbled by my abundance and by my tendency to "whine" when my schedule is too busy, my body hurts to much, people don't seem to appreciate my efforts.....

: ) This would be me on those days.

Maybe I need to print this picture off and put it in strategic places around my home as a reminder that instead of whining, complaining, feeling sorry for myself..... Instead of going "there" I  can make the choice to "Be cheerful, no matter what; pray all the time: AND THANK GOD no matter what happens.

Ummmmm I can choose to receive God's blessing in my brokenness.

I didn't go to any of the workshops during the Wee Kirk Retreat at Pokagon.  During the workshops I found a place to sit and watch the lake while I worked on "stuff" for the church's Homecoming Celebration this coming Sunday. (When I'm healthy....I can admit it was all STUFF that God could most likely care less that if was produced!)

Yesterday morning, because I had everything ready for Sunday except my sermon, I went to a workshop entitled "The Blessing of Brokenness."

The workshop leader was very nice.  The people who participated in the workshop were sincere. And I sat there wishing I had taken my laptop to my favorite spot and begun working on my sermon.

"I didn't hear anything new." I told my friend.

"Of course you didn't hear anything new, Sandi! You have been working your way through this reality for nearly 14 years!"

I want wisdom and insight.  I want to discover joy.  I want to practice gratitude! I want the freedom in Christ people talk of. I want...

And I can only embrace these "wants" by walking the path of my own life journey. I'm not going to magically absorb and be made whole by sitting in a workshop. I have to participate in the healing...I have to participate in my freedom... by being present and doing my own work.

Ann Voskamp entitles her first chapter, "An Emptier, Fuller Life."

Many times, I have journaled about "emptiness" and the "knee jerk" reaction it can some times produce in my heart. Ann takes the thought of emptiness and shares with simple, yet deep words, the emptiness that occurred when her little sister was killed in an accident when Ann was only four years old.

She shares the memories of grieving parents and how on that day, "when blood pooled and my sister died and I, all of us, snapped shut to grace." (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p 10)


She continues, "They lay her gravestone flat into the earth, a black granite slab engraved with no dates, only the five letters of her name. Aimee. It means 'loved one.' How she was. We had loved her. And with the laying of her gravestone, the closing up of her deathbed, so closed our lives. Closed to any notion of grace." (Voskamp, p 11)


My body hurts. I listened to the stories of people at this retreat. I listened to the stories of the missionary. I watch the images on my TV and, like Ann writes, it is sometimes all to easy to question, "Where is God, really?"

When I have been knocked down again and again, why would I put my trust in a God who allows, not only my pain, but allows such great suffering all around the world! Why and how am I to be grateful...to continue praising such a God?

Ann writes, "...But these aren't things you need to say anyways. Like all beliefs, you simply live them." (Ibid)


I "live" my beliefs.

Such a simple statement, yet it is profound and provocative as well.

What "I" believe shapes how I see everything around me!

One of the stories of the missionary: A church in Cuba...when it was dangerous to even gather in that church....One woman attended every Sunday worship service.  This woman attended, never knowing if anyone else would be there. Some Sundays, others did filter in.  Some Sundays they even had the Word proclaimed by a traveling pastor.  MANY Sundays the woman sat by herself; praying and singing hymns.  Many Sundays she did this, not to "keep the doors opened"....she did this so others would see God's presence among them...God's presence within and among them as they faced poverty and great danger....

Smiling, the missionary shared that today that little congregation consistently has 40 people in worship and they are doing a new church start in an area that knows even greater poverty and danger than they face!

Because this woman lived her belief in a loving, caring, and all powerful God....in such a place...the Light of the world began to shine brighter and brighter.... A light from this woman's small candle.

Although the word was not used in sharing her story, I can imagine that this woman lived her life in "Gratitude" to God.

Last Sunday, using Colossians 3:1-4 I suggested that we (I) have my "life".  My life with all its schedules, relationships, demands, bils to pay, physical challenges....I have this life and within that life I also have God.  AND, I all to often take all my "stuff" and ask God to bless this and bless that....

I admitted that I make God a component of my life and according to Colossians 3, GOD IS MY LIFE!

God is not a component...God is my life!

I have journaled so many times....each time reminding myself that it is only in my brokenness that I truly come to God.  When I am feeling good and full of "myself".... those things that are so very IMPORTANT get pushed off my shelf.

God, I praise you and I thank you that you never give up on me!!!  I have offered praises before that I am loved by a God of Second Chances.  Help me to rest in your love and your acceptance as I step into this new day. Open my heart to receive all the blessings you offer me within the ordinariness of life.  Open my heart to gratitude so that I might truly sense the blessing of you within and beside me.  Oh, dear God....forgive me when I make you a component of my life! Help me to live my life in gratitude, asking what I am to do with your life that is within me. AMEN.

Open the Eyes of My Heart.....


Many Blessings ~ Sandi

My Name Says Gratitude

I'll live for all my days; To Put a smile on Your face; And when we finally meet; It'll be for eternity. ~ Hillsong's Forever



To put a smile on Your face.....

How great would it be for me to put a smile on God's face!

very green spring grass!!

Yesterday I celebrated 130 days of blogging and today I am putting it out to the universe that I am still as green as spring grass in terms of knowledge and understanding! After 130 days,  I have more questions than I do knowledge.

I recently discovered a blog for women who are pastors (RevGalBlogPals) and like other blogs, they must have "special days". (I'm still trying to figure out Wordless Wednesday and its source that I see on so many blogs!) Today I was introduced to Friday Five by the Rev Gals. While I am enthused about participating, I don't understand how.

You know what?  Blogging feels like I have entered another country and I am doing my best to live as a citizen while not understanding the language.


Anyway! The Rev Gals seem to be on the same wavelink as I have been lately of intentionally expressing gratitude. The author of this site, (I haven't figured that out either) writes:

A wise person once told me to make an ABC list of things I am grateful for any time I feel sad or depressed. It is a good practice when one is feeling happier than that, too. So for this Friday Five, I suggest that you use your name or nickname of about five letters and express your gratitude about something that starts with each letter. Some people have longer names, so you decide how you will go about this! (RevGalBlogPals)

Ummmm SANDI...
S - Sunshine. We need rain here in Indiana, still I appreciate sunshine!
A - Aliza's healthy baby boy who was born yesterday afternoon! Congratulations, Buddy!

I had not seen an MD in  7
years when I had my accident,
now...I keep them busy!

N - Neurologists.
D - Daughters...all four of my beautiful and wonderful daughters!
I  - Ice Cream. 

I should explain I saw a new neurologist yesterday and I liked him! Honestly, all the doctors I have seen since my car accident; doctors don't rank as my favorite group of people to hang out with. Yet, I need them and when I like one, that is truly a blessing!

So, I am grateful.

Since beginning my adventure in blogging, I have once again begun keeping an evening gratitude journal. I did this several years ago, then one night I didn't pick it up, then another night went by...

For me, keeping a Gratitude Journal is a way to train my brain to notice God at work in my life, and when I notice and then when I pause and say, "Thank You"...I can't help but think that brings a smile to God's face. And today, to it take it a bit further...to use my name to identify things I am grateful for...then that means my very name says "I am Grateful to You, O God!"

So, today I am grateful to the Rev Gals for giving me the opportunity to think about gratitude and to consider that my very name says gratitude when I live with an attitude of being grateful. Once I figure out how to fully participate in these things, I will be even more grateful!

Everything that I have and that I am, comes from God. Michael W. Smith's song, Breathe reminds me that God is the very air I breathe...my daily bread... Without God in my life, my life wouldn't be.  Thank you, Lord for being...

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Into the Eye of God - I

I saw Pearl in Hello Dolly
on Broadway in 1969.  What
a treat for a young girl!

People see God every day, they just don't recognize him.  ~Pearl Bailey

Even when I can't see or sense God's presence, I know he is here.  I may need to search my own heart to make sure it isn't me who has moved.  Other times, I need to sit still and just "know" without seeing that I am not alone.  And then, in the quiet I do see God.  Pearl was right, he doesn't always appear in my life like I would expect. Sometimes he is in the "thunder", but just as often he is in the "whisper".

God is....


Michael W. Smith reminds me just how close God is...This is the Air I Breathe

Macrina moves me this morning, right into the center of the storm...Into the Eye of God with a poem. A poem that once again opens and challenges my heart to think broader...bigger about my journey toward God.  She offers me a prayer that I be given a "small storm"!

Sadly, it often takes a small storm to get my attention, so she's right on...again.
Into the Eye of God
For your prayer
your journey into God,
may you be given a small storm
a little hurricane 
named after you,
persistent enough
to get your attention
violent enough
to awaken you to new depths
strong enough
to shake you to the roots
majestic enough
to remind you of your origin:
made of the earth
yet steeped in eternity
frail human dust
yet soaked with infinity.
You begin your storm
under the Eye of God.
A watchful, caring eye
gazes in your direction
as you wrestle
with the life force within.
.
In the midst of these holy winds
In the midst of this divine wrestling
your storm journey
like all hurricanes
leads you into the eye,
Into the Eye of God
where all is calm and quiet.


A stillness beyond imagining!
Into the Eye of God
after the storm
Into the silent, beautiful darkness
Into the Eye of God.


Wow...my first thought is that I don't like this prayer of being sent a storm.  My second, as I look at the quote by Jonathan Lockwood Huie is that I'm not sure I agree, but this guy is supposed to be a motivational speaker on happiness and joy!

Life is a series of "storms" and I admit that when I am feeling vulnerable, I do finally end up on my knees.  During my journaling on The Cup of Life I wondered if old age was a gift from God so that we had an opportunity to once again become humble and vulnerable...

Yet, my hope and my prayer is that as I continue to journey toward God, I live not only in the eye of the storm, but also through the storm itself.

This enough for me to hold for this morning, but I do want to mention that with this chapter, Macrina tells me that she has come to the "heart of this book [A Tree Full of Angels] and that from this point on she is going to offer me a way of gathering up the crumbs, a way of prayer that for her is pure gold...a way to harvest the Word of God.

This way of prayer is not entirely foreign to me.  It is called Lectio Divina or Divine Reading. As I have become more intentional about my faith journey, this form of prayer has crossed my path many times and each time I have paused and moved on.  I notice I have three books on my desk today that all focus on Lectio Divina and with each book, I did not know this was the case when I made the purchase.

Hummm.... I wonder if God is suggesting I do more than simply pause?

Most Amazing God, I believe you do guide my hand at times when I am totally unaware of your doing so.  God, I ask for your Spirit of wisdom, patience, and understanding as I strive to do more than pause with this spiritual discipline. Help me to be open to seeing and hearing what it is that will help me to know you, which will only help me to know myself.  I ask your blessing on my efforts and I pray they will be pleasing to you.  AMEN.


Thinking about storms and the eye of storms, I've thought of the David Crowder Band's song, You Make Everything Glorious .... and all God's people say, "AMEN"!

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Gather Up the Crumbs - I - The Reason We Live So Dimly...

"...everything in your life is a stepping-stone to holiness if only you recognize that you do have within you the grace to be present in each moment." ~ Macrina Wiederkehr


Yes, EVERYTHING!

My Soul Sister reminded me that it is the "stuff" of my life that God uses to grow me...to transform me....

Francesca seems to have a smile with
all she writes and sings. 

This Is The Stuff by Francesca Battistelli I couldn't help but smile as I listened to this again this morning.  What a great song. Thank you, Sister!

Macrina hits fairly hard as she begins this third chapter:

"We stand in the midst of nourishment and we starve...In the light of such possibility, what happens? Why do we drag our hearts? Look up our souls? Why do we limp? Why do we straddle the issues? Why do we live so feebly, so dimly? Why aren't we saints?" (Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels, p 26)

Makes me gasp, but I wonder
if I live like this far to often?

My head immediately responded, "Because I have not seen these possibilities. I am a Child of my World where it is acceptable, even normal to limp along. I am not sure what a Child of God is supposed to look like! I don't know if I've ever seen a Child of God!.................well.....I might have come across a few Child(s) of God but they were not all Christian.....  Now, that is putting myself in a hard spot first thing this Tuesday morning!

Macrina suggests that a common cause that we live so dimly and with divided hearts is that we have never really learned how to be present with quality to God, to self, to others, to experiences and events, to all created things.

No leftovers...

"We have never learned to gather up the crumbs of whatever appears in our path at every moment.We meet all of these lovely gifts only half there. Presence is what we are all starving for. Real presence! We are too busy to be present, too blind to see the nourishment and salvation in the crumbs of life, the experiences of each moment. Yet the secret of daily life is this: THERE ARE NO LEFTOVERS!" (Ibid)

Macrina continues, saying, "There is nothing - no thing, no person, no experience, no thought, no joy or pain - that cannot be harvested and used for nourishment on our journey to God."

This reminds me a lot of Joyce Rupp's thoughts on Disguised Blessings from The Cup of Life.  I never was able to completely brace those thoughts.

"Some of our greatest blessings have been difficult situations, uncomfortable ones we wanted to throw out of our lives as quickly as possible. Sometimes our greatest pain holds a gift for us that is hidden for a long, long time. The blessing is disguised amid the turmoil, confusion, heartache, and struggle. Sometimes we are unable to accept the blessing because we are still too hurt, too angry, too grieved, too overwhelmed, to receive it. It is only much later..." ~ Joyce Rupp, The Cup of Life

Macrina, like Joyce, believes that everything in my life is a stepping-stone to holiness if only I recognize that I have within me the grace to be present to each moment.

"Your presence is an energy that you can choose to give or not give. Every experience, every thought, every word, every person in your life (Sandi) is a part of a larger picture of your growth. That's why I call them crumbs. They are not the whole loaf, but they can be nourishing if you give them your real presence. Let everything energize you (Sandi). Let everything bless you (Sandi). Even your limping can bless you." (Wiederkehr, p 27) 

Remember when I shared a thought of Eugene Peterson's from "Eat This Book"? In this book he talks about watching his dog gnaw and enjoy a bone.  Chewing on it, licking it, holding it between his paws...and he began to wonder what it would be like to read scripture like his dog chewed on and enjoyed a bone.

Here is a great link to listen to Peterson explain the difference between "reading" and "studying".  It was a gift for me to find it since he articulates so well what I have been trying to say to others about Bible "study."  I'm not a big fan of Bible "study"....   (I would love to visit/stay Laity Lodge!)

Anyhow, I have never "read" a book as slowly as I am reading A Tree Full of Angels. Since I am journaling about this book and the thoughts and questions that arise as I read...it takes a long time!  And you know what? That is not how I am normally geared.  It is nothing for me to say, "I've read two books this week." But, if you asked me about those books four weeks later... I would be pressed to tell you what I "read."

This morning, I realized I am doing more than "reading or studying" this book....I am eating this book.  I am chewing on phrases, insights, stories...

This past weekend I participated in leading a Lead Like Jesus One Day Encounter, based on Ken Blanchard's book, Lead Like Jesus. Blanchard talks about there being four domains of leading like Jesus, The Heart, The Head, The Hands, and The Habits. (4-Hers...does this sound familiar?)

Withing The Habits he talks about different spiritual disciplines. There are MANY disciplines AND I am not expected to embrace/do/excel at all the disciplines.  What I want to do is to discover the disciplines that work for me and use them to help me grow deeper in my relationship with myself and with God. Journaling is a spiritual discipline that works for me. And, journaling online helps me to stay faithful, there is an invisible accountability group around me that asks, "Sandi, have you done what feeds your soul?" "Sandi, have you taken time to be present to God?"  If I didn't have to work, I would love to publish a blog
on Spiritual Disciplines and maybe one focused only on journaling... maybe someday...

Michael is a gifted worship leader.

Until then...Lord, Draw Me Near, and I'll Run After You... Michael W Smith

Again....Anyhow, this is going to be a much slower read than I had even anticipated, and that is okay.  God won't ask me how many books I read.  He may ask what I learned from my books, how they helped me seek his face, ....

Many Blessings ~ Sandi