I'm not in control....

(I don't have the exact quote...) I am peaceful, I am happy because I am no longer in control. ~ Bernie Madoff to Barbara Walters regarding his life in prison.

I do my best to move from my Bible and laptop to doing stretches during the first few minutes of Good Morning America so I at least have some idea what is happening in the world.  This morning the focus was on Bernie and Ruth Madoff.

I wasn't particularly interested but then I heard Barbara Walters quote Madoff, saying something close to what I began this post..."I'm happy...because I am no longer in control."

I have been using the question, "God, what is your will for my life?" as a focus for a sermon series.  It has seemed like I am continually hearing messages from the Universe that nudge me as I have held this question of "God....?"

This morning, Sarah Young wrote in her devotional Jesus Calling:

As you become increasingly aware of My Presence, you find it easier to discern the way you should go. This is one of the practical benefits of living close to Me. Instead of wondering about what is on the road ahead or worrying about what you should do if...or when...you can concentrate on staying in communication with Me. When you actually arrive at a choice-point, I will show you which direction to go. 

Many people are so preoccupied with future plans and decisions that they fail to see choices they need to make today...people who live this way find a dullness creeping into their lives. They sleepwalk through their days, following well-worn paths of routine.

I have paused with Madoff's thought, Sarah Youngs, Ann Voskamp, insights from my sermon series and study of Job...  As I LEARN the deep language of eucharisteo, I also learn trust.  I learn to "wake up" to what is around me....to God's continual presence within my day.  As I wake-up and I learn to trust...I learn to let go of my illusion of control.  There are different kinds of prisons.  My sleep walking through life is a prison of sorts...in this prison I do not know the fullness of life that God wants for me....

Mr. Klumpenhower slides the mail into the clunky mailbox at the end of the lane...I stand at the window and I hold pen. I write it down in my journal: 

22. Mail in the mailbox 

And when my grandma's bona fide wood handled pressure cooker...full of potatoes...I hold the pen and I write it clear: 

23. Grandma;s pressure pot still dancing 

And when...I look over and see an old man all white-whiskered and bent, looking for the just-right card in the Hallmark aisle, I grab the journal from my bag and I write it wobbly: 

24. Old men looking for words just perfect  (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, p 48)

Ann shares she is beginning to grasp the why of how noticing these simple blessing make her feel:

How eucharisteo always precedes the miracle, even joy in a supermarket. (Ibid)

Martin Luther is quoted as saying: "If you want to change the world, pick up your pen." 

Luther picked up his pen, and The Reformation began.

The Reformation BEGAN... It did not happen overnight.  Luther was subjected to great trials...the Reformation was not easy.  Still, I wonder...

I wonder if by picking up my pen and cracking open my journal if that is the first step in my inner and personal reformation.

I wonder if by picking up my pen I become reformed...learning to lean into and trust God's Presence...for ME!

John Piper once said, "There are eyes in pencils and pens."


Eyes in pencils and pens... Many times I have said there is great wisdom in my fingers when I simply let go and let them write...

I hold the pen. The cataracts clear. 

37. Windmills droning in day's last breeze 

38. Wool sweaters with turtleneck collars 

39. Faint aroma of cattle and straw 
(Voskamp, p 49)

Erasmaus, a contemporary of Martin Luther, said, "A nail is driven out by another nail; habit is overcome by habit."

This pen is nothing less than the driving of nails. Nails driving out my habits of discontent and driving in my habit of eucharisteo. I'm hammering in nails to pound out nail, ugly nails that Satan has pierced through the world, my heart...Because the habit of discontentment can only be driven out by hammering in one iron sharper. The sleek pen of gratitude. 

I write: 

54. Moonlight on pillows 

55. Long, lisped prayers 

56. Kisses in the dark 

And in a house sleeping, my heart rings. 
(Voskamp, p 50)

So many thoughts to hold.

Reformation.

A Pen is nothing less than the driving of nails...nails driving out my habits of discontent and driving in my habits of eucharisteo.

Habit...

Learning new habits...Lord, help me!

Many Blessings ~ Sandi