Was I lucky or was I blessed?

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.  ~ Voltaire


Thank You, Lord...  Don Moen


I am lucky, with a grateful heart, I give thanks and praise!

Yesterday, after spending an afternoon with the family of the man I'm officiating at his funeral this morning, I returned to the church to work on his service.

Listening to a family, in these situations, I write pages of notes as I ask them questions, and they begin to share memories.  So that I include as many memories as possible, I scratch out a story, thought... as I work.

That is what I did yesterday until 7:00, when the choir arrived for practice.  I had promised to participate in the 9/11 choir, so I hit "SAVE", and shut my computer down. A typical long day...until I pulled the flashdrive out that contained not only the service for today, but ALL of Sunday's services for the two worship times and the rest of my life....

This isn't mine, but it looks very similar.

The flash drive casing broke exposing all my work within those tiny wires to the entire universe and my pages of notes for today's funeral were scattered and scratched out.

I am thinking all this journaling about trust, being in the moment rather than borrowing trouble from the future...  All this "good" emotional stuff...

I'm thinking it may actually be paying off!

I couldn't fix the flash drive so I placed in a styrofoam cup and participated in choir practice. An hour later, I packed everything up, along with my exposed memory card...and I began my long drive home, not feeling anxious, but more in the present moment...and in that moment, life was good!

Driving, I did think that I was thankful to have good coffee on hand since I was most likely going to have a very long night.  But, would you believe, when I got home, I carefully inserted the skeleton of a flash drive in my PC...and everything was there!!!!

I was lucky.

This morning I got to talk with Daughter #3 for a long time, since I had not been up all night working on a funeral service and trying to begin again on the worship services for Sunday.

My heart was warmed as I listened to the emotion in her voice as she talked of baby Gabriel.

I was lucky.

But...question....was I "lucky" or was I "blessed"?

I hesitate to use the word "blessed" because I am wondering if I would have still felt blessed if three years of sermons and other pieces work like today's funeral service had been gone?

I did feel a bit sick standing there holding the skeleton of my flash drive, but I feel blessed that my normal panic didn't set in sending me spiraling down into an anxious pit.  This morning I can relate a bit to Daniel's story.  No, I wasn't surrounded by actual lions, but are the worries we pile on ourselves, are those "our" lions?

Just some rambling thoughts and questions this morning that come from a week full of "life".

But, I've a funeral to finish and a long drive to make so I need to get moving!

Lord, may I take your presence of peace with me throughout this day. Who knows, if I carry your peace, and offer that peace to another, who carries your peace and offers... We could change this world!

I am smiling this morning with a prepared funeral service and memories of talking with my daughter about this new and amazing little life. For fun this morning...

Peace Train by Cat Stevens.


Hummmm......sitting with Cat Steven's words...what a wonderful song as we approach the 10th anniversary of 9/11.

Whether I have been lucky the past day or blessed....I am thankful.

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

It's a...

It's a BOY!

I'm covered up trying to get my head screwed on to lead a Bible study this evening, still I wanted to share my good news!

This little guy has been through a lot!

I probably won't be able to see him face to face for a few weeks. By that time the stress of his being born will have disappeared and I will be blessed with rosy pink skin and bright eyes...and I'm betting he will have found his voice full force by then!

A prayer for my new little Gabriel...

I Hope You Dance... Ronan Keating

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Waiting...

Patience with others . is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith. ~Adel Bestavros


I just needed a good praise song this morning...


Here We Are  by Don Moen


You are here...dwelling within my praise... your love that makes me strong .... through it all I will sing this song....


Whenever I can focus I'm going to blog on patience and waiting, using Sarah as my example of doing what is very human.... but at the moment I'm not waiting well.  

Daughter #3 has been at the hospital for 24+ hours trying to bring her first child into this world.


Greatly Loved Brother is still waiting for more tests results regarding the "thing" that is in his brain.


I can't tell you how much coffee I've had over the past 36 hours...and I feel about the way this little guy looks!!!


I keep repeating this praise song by Don Moen and I do know Jesus is here...but my brain is fatigued and fragmented as I have sat waiting for texts from these two people I love so much!


I'm headed to the church this morning.  I've a Bible Study I'm leading this evening! Prayers for focus would be greatly appreciated! : )


Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Encountering the Desert

"You must come [to the desert] with no intentions of discovery. You must overhear things, as though you'd come to a small and desolate town and paused by an open window....You have to proceed almost by accident." ~ Barry Lopez

A Soul Sister reminded me of this wonderful song:  Bring The Rain by Mercy Me


Besides Macrina, I've also been reading Earth's Echo (Sacred Encounters With Nature) by Robert M. Hamms.  It is a small book in which Robert takes thoughts by various nature writers as a meditation and then he, like Macrina, invites me to consider his reflection on the sacred reality of nature.  I was surprised when I first began the book and realized it was yet another lesson in using Lectio Divina.

Remember how I have journaled that God is persistent in encouraging me to learn more about this spiritual practice, Lectio Divina? Just gotta respect such an awesome and persistent God! : )

Lectio has four steps or phases I walk through and even though they may be called by different names, the intent of each is always the same.  In his book, Robert uses the words: Paying Attention, Pondering, Responding, Surrendering. I like these words. : )

I love nature, especially bodies of water, forests, and mountains, three of the five areas of nature Robert uses in his book.  The Desert is not some place I have ever spent much time, but in many ways, I think of Desert as the same as Wilderness and I suspect that is a "judgement" of sorts from ignorance. Still, it is my perception of the Desert, so with all that is going on, I decided it was the Desert I needed to visit.

The first meditation in the Desert section began with the quote by Barry Lopez I used to begin this entry.  I smiled, reading "You must come to the desert with no intention of discovery..."

I have seen pictures of deserts, and yes, they look like a vast and unknown wilderness to my inexperienced eyes; but...I bet if you placed me on the edge of a great desert and I knew I was safe from snakes and scorpions (yes, I'm a scaredy cat)...I would enter with a huge sense of curiosity of what I might discover and Lopez is telling me to come with no intention of discovery!

Wow.  That would be difficult.

Robert then "ponders" Lopez's insight:

"What attitude is necessary to learn from the desert? Lopez reminds those of us who come to the desert looking for some kind of experience that we will probably go away empty. Such a warning goes against our grain." (Hamma, p 94)

Guilty! I decided to visit the Desert in Robert's book because I knew I needed some wisdom when I am in such a place, so I opened his book this section....LOOKING.

"We come to the desert expecting to wait, but we are often unprepared for the depth of the waiting involved. When the desert does not offer up its secrets, we go away angry and tell the story of our fruitless search. Then, in the telling, we recognize something we think we may have missed - perhaps there is another way in. And so we return. But still, there is no answer. The desert chides us, 'You can't get at it this way.'"

I journaled on Thursday about being in the midst of a storm and I admitted I don't like most storms because I am often uneasy.  The same is true about storms that are not from nature.

I think it is important to know the
name of your Demon, Naming your
Demon gives you power over him!

I struggle with fear.  People who see me work, would not suspect this, even people who know me, would not see fear.  But, those who "know" me recognize when I am battling the demon of fear. They recognize it in my speech, in the way I pile work on my plate.... I suspect we all have some weakness, some demon that is always present to move our hearts when the world around us becomes crazy.  My Demon is fear and like my little friend, he isn't ugly and scary looking.  That is what makes him so dangerous.

In my fear, I opened Robert's book, I open scripture ...LOOKING for answers.  Looking for something that calms my heart. And sometimes, when I know where to look, I do find words that calm my heart.  Yet, other times, if I am depending on my SELF (that is Fear guiding me), I come into the Desert searching and looking...and come away empty.

"One must simply be there, 'with no intentions of discovery.' When we are trying to learn from the desert, there is nothing to be gained. But when we've given up the idea of getting something out of a desert sojourn, we may accidentally discover that without knowing it, we've been changed. We don't take something from it, but it changes us."

How true is this!

After my accident I worked hard physically.  At one point though, I began to question.  I remember asking, "What does He want from me!!!"

I became frustrated and angry in my searching.

Eighteen months after my car accident, I made my first trip over 15 miles.  A woman, striving to be kind expressed her sympathy that I was going through such an ordeal.  In that moment I realized I had changed through my desert experienced...without realizing!  I paused and said, "You know, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I like the person I am becoming and I don't know if I would be in this place without having gone through this experience."

Since then, I tend to be watching for what will come from desert experiences, and I think Lopez and Robert may be right on.

Lopez concludes his reflection with these words:

"One morning I noticed my hands had begun to crack and turn to dust."

Responding follows Pondering and, as his response, Robert has written a short poem:

I sit and wait,trying not to try,wanting not to want,I have no intention of discover,I have not set my heart on gain,and yet... 

My steps are not accidental,my hands are still flesh.Do I truly want to rememberthat I am made of dust?

Surrendering Robert includes a quote by Alessaudro Panzato:

In the desert the most urgent thing is to wait.

That is ancient wisdom, (Be still......) phrased in another way.

The same Soul Sister who reminded me about Bring The Rain also reminded me of Chris Rice's song, Come to Jesus.

What a wonderful song with words that remind me that whether I'm in the Desert or battling a Storm...I, like the disciples can call out to the All Powerful and All Loving Christ!

My much loved Brother has been undergoing a series of testing to determine what might be in/on his brain.  Praise God, in the past few days doctors have ruled out cancer, meningitis, aneurysm, lupus... Doctors still do not know what it is that is showing up in the MRIs, but they do know what it is not.  For that, I am thankful!

My Daughter #3's due date for their first child has past.  The good news is that this baby finally turned this past week!  My daughter so much wanted to be able to wait until this baby was "ready" to come out verses inducing labor.  But, since baby has turned and other complications seem to have been dealt with the past few days....I will have a new grand-baby by Tuesday.

This is Life.

"Life" can control me, sending me spiraling out of control, gripping and looking for anything from a place of fear and anxiety.

Or I can "live" this life by continuing to work with Practices that help me remain still whether I am in the Desert or in the midst of a Storm. I can continue working with Practices in order to Become the Gifted and Greatly Loved Child of God I was created to be! Praise God!

Many Blessings ~ Sandi

Feasting On A Storm...

"The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm." 


One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite groups... Praise You In This Storm ~ Casting Crowns

Last week, Irene caused thousands of people to change their plans, to pack up and leave, or stock up and stay.  Grocery shelves were empty, gas prices rose and even though Irene was weaker than previously predicted, she caused millions of dollars of damage and claimed the lives of at least 45 people.

I actually read Macrina's journal entry on feasting on a storm Monday morning, but my heart was so full of the images of Irene, I couldn't follow Macrina's thoughts.  Today, I am still not in full agreement, yet I can hold her insights with open hands, acknowledging they are "her" insights and I can wrestle with them, embrace them, forget about them... : )

"Today I felt rather empty and unvisited by God. Then about two o'clock in the afternoon, after I had prayed for the hundredth time, 'O when will You come?' God came. God came in a storm, a wonderful storm that bent everything to the ground in adoration. The Great Spirit has a way of bending us when we forget to adore. While the lightning is flashing and crashing, the trees bending to the ground in adoration, men and women are at l sat aware that something majestic and extreme is being celebrated in their midst. With each storm the peoples of the earth may fall to the ground in adoration, stand in awe and silence, or fall to their knees in fright. Regardless of which position we take, at least God has gotten our attention. The extremely unenlightened do not even notice God's presence in the storm." (Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels, p 144)

Yes, I have seen great beauty within a storm.  I have noticed how fresh the air can be following a spring rain.  I have imagined the nitrogen that enters the plants as lightening breaks a part molecules.

A storm changes things, just ask the victims of Hurricane Irene.

Okay, I will admit that reading Macrina's thoughts on Monday, I felt a little angry.

"How insensitive! You wish for God, and He comes to you in a storm, but what about the damage caused by that storm?"

I may be a bit anal regarding people who "wish" for something and then receive what they wish for, not thinking about the ramifications for others. Many years ago, we were experiencing a drought. A neighbor wished for rain, saying he wouldn't even mind some hail.

Well, it rained, but guess whose crops were destroyed by the hail storm? : )


"The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but deliverance from fear." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm." 


For the most part, I don't like storms and I will admit...it is VERY difficult for me to have serenity within a storm of nature or a storm of life.  I'm working on it, but I'm still a long way from experiencing peace over anxiety and fear.

As it often happens, if I ignore one message, God seems to send another my way.  This morning, after ignoring Macrina all week Sarah Young gives me another opportunity to consider discovering God within a storm.

"Seek Me with your whole being. I desire to be found by you and I orchestrate the events of your life with that purpose in mind. When things go well and you are blessed, you can feel Me smiling on you.When you encounter rough patches along your life-journey, trust that My Light is still shining upon you. My reasons for allowing these adversities may be shrouded in mystery, but My continual Presence with you is an absolute promise. Seek Me in good times; seek Me in hard times. You will find Me watching over you all the time." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, Sept 1)

Darn....I have to admit that every storm encountered, I have been transformed...normally for the better. AND I have admitted that I don't know that I would have become that person without the storm.

Eugene Peterson, in The Message Bible, transposes Hebrews 10:19-23 to read:

^19-21So, friends, we can now—without hesitation—walk right up to God, into "the Holy Place." Jesus has cleared the way by the blood of his sacrifice, acting as our priest before God. The "curtain" into God's presence is his body. ^22-25So let's do it—full of belief, confident that we're presentable inside and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.

In his commentary on these verses Peterson writes:

"...the high priest offered sacrifices to maintain peaceful coexistence, to keep hostility from breaking out from either side...What that means for us is that we can now receive and give in relation to God without hesitation, without negotiation, without caution, without reserve. The way is clear." (Eugene Peterson, The Message Bible, p 1901) 

OKAY! You know what came to mind? Sacrifices to an angry God, to keep "hostility" from breaking out...?

Because of my belief in Jesus as Savior, I do not need to fear the "hostility" of an angry God.  Because of Jesus, I can pray for deliverance from my fear within the storm so that I might know peace.

Serenity.

Peace within the storm.

I'm trying. : ) You know, I might be at the point on my journey that I am better of finding peace within the storms of life than in the past.  I'm a long way from being able to praise in gratitude and finding beauty within the storm.

Ummm, I chose a ship as an image for "peace within the storm" and what story does that bring to mind!  Matthew 8:16-27

Jesus is with me, just as he was with the disciples!

In this story I am reminded that Jesus is the all powerful and the all compassionate One.

If I want the courage that comes from his presence, I must fill up my heart with "WHO" he is.

In this passage I read that Jesus had been healing people all day.  Peterson writes:

"He cured the bodily ill. He fulfilled Isaiah's well-known sermon: 'He took our illnesses. He carried our diseases.' (Matthew 8:16-18)

Matthew is making sure his audience knows "who" Jesus is by this story.  Then, if I believe this about Jesus, why am I not able to praise him within the storm? Why am I like the disciples who cried out, "Save us, Lord!"?

The good news for me is that even though Jesus reprimanded the disciples, "Why are you such cowards, such fainthearts?" He then stood up and told the wind to be silent, the sea to quiet down.

I have journaled before that I am a Child of God who gives second chances.  Yes, I may need the reprimand given to the disciples, but I can also trust that the All Compassionate AND All Powerful One is riding the storm alongside me AND that his peace, his serenity is available to me.

Sometimes He Calms the Storm by Scott Krippane


Sometimes he calms the storm with a whisper...sometimes he holds us close as the wind and waves go wild...sometimes he calms the storm and other times he calms his child...

Storms are a part of living.  Sometimes they are storms of nature.  Sometimes they are storms within relationships.  Sometimes they are storms of terror from others or from Wall Street.  Sometimes they are storms of illness.

Regardless, I can know that the All Compassionate One AND the All Powerful One is in the boat with me.

Lord, you know the recent storm that has hit my family and you know the fear and the terror of the unknown that is rising in all our hearts.  This morning I am not asking that you remove the storm, I know this is a storm we will have to ride out, together...along with you.  So, I am not asking you to quiet the storm; I am asking that you quiet the storm of fear and anxiety that is capturing the hearts of those I love, as well as my own. I am asking you to help all of us discover your presence with us and to lean into your compassionate arms in trust....Lord, help me, help those I love to discover your peace and your serenity within this storm. AMEN.


Many Blessings ~ Sandi

As You Give the Grace, I Will Sing....

 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
      to be out of your sight?
   If I climb to the sky, you're there!
      If I go underground, you're there!
   If I flew on morning's wings
      to the far western horizon,
   You'd find me in a minute—
      you're already there waiting!
   Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
      At night I'm immersed in the light!"
   It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
      night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.  ~ Psalm 139:7-10 (MSG)


You Are My Hiding Place - Selah


Is there anyplace I can avoid God's Spirit?

Sometimes, it feels as though I am alone, and even though I know in my head that God is present, sometimes it is just really hard to sense his Presence.


Psalm 139 speaks of being afraid, I'm not afraid, just exhaustingly tired. I'm beginning to suspect some of my medication either doesn't like other medication or it doesn't like me.  Either way, there seems to be a battle going on in my body that is creating cramps that are preventing sleep. 


I feel like the person in this picture.  Not only do I feel a bit alone, but in my fatigue the world seems blurry, out of focus.

This morning I sat down to journal. I felt I needed to write something since I have been silent since the weekend, but I didn't know what I would write.  I don't exactly feel joyful. At the moment, a gratitude might be difficult.

Then Sarah Young reaches out to me from her devotion Jesus Calling.

Does it ever cause you to pause and step back when you have been thinking about something and then you open a book, receive a note or an email... and it is like a response to the thoughts you have been carrying!

Ummmm... Sort of like a burning bush or a talking donkey! : )

"There is no place so desolate that you cannot find Me there. When Hagar fled from her mistress, Sarah, into the wilderness, she thought she was utterly alone and forsaken. But Hagar encountered Me in that desolate place. There she addressed Me as the Living One who sees me. Through that encounter with My Presence, she gained courage to return to her mistress." (Sarah Young, Jesus Calling)

This story comes from Genesis 16:7-14. Honestly, I had forgotten Hagar fled Sarah at the beginning of her pregnancy and then went back.

I respect those who believe these stories are literal, just as I always hope and pray these individuals will respect my belief they are sacred stories, to show me how to live, how to love, how to reach out to God......

I have preached and journaled about God's promises to always be near by, yet the reality is...there are days that feel blurry and out of focus.

God had made promises to Abraham and Sarah, in this passage from Genesis, God's promises widened to include Hagar when she was at a weak moment.  She ran away in to the desert or the wilderness....and it was THERE God found her.

Darn...in the wilderness!!!

I may google to learn how many passages in scripture deal with "the" wilderness.

Fact is, God has made promises AND I will make journeys into the wilderness. That is life and the reality is, I cannot run away from life.   I have to "go back" and simple BE.

Be with the pain.  Be with the fatigue.  Be with the blurriness.

Just be, and God will hear me and answer me...God will give me the fortitude to "live."

Sunday, during Parlor Conversations, I stressed the difference between someone saying, "I am living with cancer." and "I am dying of cancer."

My self talk, the words I carry in my head and in my heart...all those words create filters.  Those words are powerful and help me either LIVE and BE PRESENT or to simply fold in on myself and allow the fatigue to control my day.  

: ) Honestly, I don't choose to spend my day looking and feeling like this picture!

Zephaniah is one of those little prophet guys, stuck between Habakkuk and Malachi.  Zephaniah's voice kept telling the Israelites that "Yes" they had access to God, AND they also had to bother with people as well.  For me this morning Zephaniah 3:17 is telling me that "Yes, I have promised to be near you AND you have to continue living with the 'bothers' of your reality."

...don't despair.Your God is present among you,    a strong Warrior there to save you.Happy to have you back, he'll calm you with his love    and delight you with his songs.

My legs are still achy and my head remains fuzzy from lack of sleep...AND I am rejoicing to be alive in this moment of time!

The sky is blue with big white fluffy clouds.  The temperatures are cool.  Cooper has been here this morning, charming me with his smile...

Yes indeed.  Life is good. Thanks be to God.

I Will Sing ~ Don Moen

AMEN!

Many Blessings ~ Sandi